Seeing a vasana (or core issue) disappear for a time is not the end of the road. Vasanas can reappear and re-establish themselves if we fall back into living life by following what have become habitual behavior patterns. Habitual behavior patterns are one form of residue, precipitate, the fallout from our vasanas. They linger even […]
Out of Jail at Last
I continue to observe the changes within me. Concurrent with feeling happiness for virtually the first time in my life – within memory – the other day, I also notice that I’m wandering around without something. I was repositioning a picture and, having accomplished something, I found myself waiting for the spoilers to come along […]
A Time of Purification?
Triggers just seem to keep going off. I have to be supervigilant not to launch into extreme thoughts and behavior. And not to then swing out onto the other extreme and super-protect myself from them, until the guardian again becomes the guard. (1) How to stay in the middle and yet be strong, resolute, determined? […]
How Do I Change Myself?
There’s so much I want to say about the process I’ve just been through so things are not missed. The ideas are tumbling out. What I did was I processed a root vasana or core issue. Processing a vasana is the (wholesome) alternative to blaming and shouting at another person. Long ago I swore I […]
Sitting on My Inner Child
I was going through wave after wave of anger, experiencing it through to completion now that the vasana of father hatred was at last up. I resolved to be angry for as long as it took for the light to go on. And the light went on when I asked myself: What is the cost […]
Vesuvius is Quiet
Vesuvius is quietening down. Let me do a post-mortem. Father hatred leaves me flat, unresponsive, shallow in my compassion. Hindus call that state of mind thamasic, lethargic. In my everyday awareness, I can feel it only subtly, as a slightly negative attitude towards everything – not skeptical but pessimistic. Disbelief, despair, depression. As I said […]
Whose Shepherd I am
So far the vasana with my Dad has manifested, as it did in 1986, as unbridled anger. But I seem to have left the anger phase now, and, even as the last fumes of father hatred dissipate, I’m beset by feelings of fear. This is a crystal-clear demonstration that anger sits on top of fear. […]
Emerging from the Shell
I had no success accessing this vasana. (1) It’s the same root vasana of father hatred that I’ve been dealing with since I was a young child. It shows how tenacious a vasana can be. I finally invoked universal law and asked Archangel Michael and the Divine Mother to take the whole of it away, […]
The Next Step for Me
I seem to be in a process of emergence. As I move forward in it, I bump into major roadblocks again and again. I’m bumping into one now. I’m not surprised that it’s come up. The minute one takes a position, up comes the opposition. I’ve taken a position, “no more global small talk – […]
Getting Out of My Own Way
My life is a workshop in awareness. My agreement is to remain aware of myself. My process involves observing, noticing, and sharing. Viewed from a cultural-historical standpoint, my notes are an Ascension ethnography – a biography or narrative of one person’s slow and gradual, and sometimes sudden, Ascension process. Right now, I’m noticing the impact […]
Not Elegant, Just Workable
I was saying earlier that I regarded this as a time of Deep Cleansing. (1) However that works, I personally find that deep issues are arising. I’m now following the deep despondency I’ve felt in the background of my consciousness for what feels like all my life. And at last I’m connecting with an utter […]
Hollowing Us Out
The story I’m making up for myself is that, because XXX is still alive, I don’t have to mourn him. I’ve known this all along but I haven’t been ready to hear it. Now I am. So I’m telling myself that we have time left. Accepting that, I’ve seen the grief lift. I’ve had a […]
Grief Waiting to Explode
I’ve just had some devastating news recently. It wouldn’t be fair to name the person involved. But I can’t imagine the shaft penetrating deeper into my heart. I’m going through one space after another – grief, hatred, the collapse of self-importance, helplessness. It also has me addressing some issues in my life that have been […]
Really-Deep, Unresolved Issues Rising to the Surface
I’m going through intense emotional spaces these days. I think my space matches what I see depicted in the media. The public is getting excited and mobilized and I’m getting excited and mobilized along with it. The most difficult of the spaces that’s coming up for me has to be existential loneliness – loneliness independent […]
Letting Vasanas Arise
Heck, I’m not going to let a rich occasion like this get away from me without exploring it. In a similar situation, most company heads would deny that anything’s wrong and spin the news. But vasanas (or core issues) are my field of specialization. No, sir. Let’s dig in. The events of the last few […]
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