I seem to be in a process of emergence. As I move forward in it, I bump into major roadblocks again and again.
I’m bumping into one now.
I’m not surprised that it’s come up. The minute one takes a position, up comes the opposition.
I’ve taken a position, “no more global small talk – Big talk, big action.” Up comes the opposition: “How do you get off saying that? What makes you so [fill in the blanks],” etc.
I see now that this basic negativity is always around as doubt, disappointment, dejection, distress. I only sense it vaguely but it’s there and it’s the seedbed for numerous weeds.
So I’d better deal with the opposition that’s come up before taking another step. This is an Ascension ethnography so clearing obstacles is a relevant activity and topic.
This blockage is what Linda Dillon would call a “core issue” and me a “root vasana.” I can’t seem to get at it, dislodge it, experience it through to completion using regular means.
My working hypothesis is that it’s bottled-up rage at the treatment my Dad meted out to me. But I have very little information on it or recall of it.
It’s as if a meteorite hit Earth and buried itself 300 miles under. It’s down there and I know it is but all my efforts to get at it and re-experience it are unsuccessful.
Without getting at it, I pay the following costs.
I don’t feel compassion as deeply as I wish I did.
I’m really hard to convince of the success of something. But when convinced, I’m all for it. (Mood swings.)
My temper is as volatile as my Dad’s was.
Thin soil; no deep roots. Just like my Dad. And his Dad. Intergenerational transfer.
At first I said to myself that I’d “source” (complete) the core issue online. But it’s deeper than that. I’m going to need to meditate to get at it, I think. (1)
Jesus described my situation in Matthew 7:
“A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.” (2)
A “good tree” is a sound tree; it’s also a pure tree. It cannot bear bad fruit. “Fruit” are the thoughts and the feelings and actions the thoughts lead to. A good tree can only have good thoughts, etc.
An aside: In the Fifth Dimension we’ll all be sound, pure, “good” trees (vibrating higher-dimensionally), which is why we won’t do harmful things – or even have harmful thoughts. This is when the world will work for everyone (if not before).
I hope that I’m a reasonably sound and pure tree. Reasonably. I can still bring forth bad fruit. (And I do, regularly. Which is what bothers me and has me seek the source of it.)
How does a tree become diseased and go bad? Vasanas. Core issues. Resentments.
The “bad” tree is thrown into the fire of death and rebirth.
The way out is to cut down the vasanas (not the whole tree) and “throw them into the fire” of awareness. They have to be seen, named, identified, and re-experienced. Then we become again like children, able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (or ascend).
This that I’m looking at is a root vasana or core issue – buried very deep, almost unnoticed in the background of obviousness.
I need now to un-distract, un-routinize, and un-schedule myself and do some deep looking as the next step.
(1) Until I can access the feelings and thoughts, at which point I can use the Upset Clearing Process on it.
See “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process,” December 29, 2018, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/12/29/how-to-handle-unwanted-feelings-the-upset-clearing-process-2/ . I will use the upset clearing process on it as soon as I can access the vasana.
(2) Matthew 7: 18-20.