I’ve reached the end of the road with an act of mine, a racket, a number.
I’ve processed this number before. I’m processing it now at a much deeper level.
Its presenting sign is that I wake up in the morning and I’m not cheerful.
Nothing has happened that I be anything but cheerful, but I’m not that way.
My situation is happy. The future looks good. There’s nothing that accounts for me being anything but cheerful. So what gives?
I begin to process it.
I can barely make out what it is that’s causing me to feel that way, it’s so dense. It is to my body what my body is to the spirit. It’s so dense it shuts down experiencing. I don’t at this moment know what is causing it. (1)
I ask my mind what is this number that stops me from being cheerful? And I get back in a flash the feelings, facial expressions, and thoughts of a suspicious man.
I’m perennially suspicious. For no reason.
I know this side of myself. This is the Troll under the bridge, the grumpy old [email protected] I recognize the Troll as my grand motif. (2) This used to be the side of me that I showed to people.
It’s still around at a very deep level. It’s only a (shadow) side of me now and gets pushed under the minute I speak to someone.
(I have this arrangement with myself where I shuffle from one facet of myself to another without resistance, without conscious notice even. So I move from being the Troll to being sweetness and light. But push me around and the Troll re-emerges.)
I hear Kathleen say, how’s it working for ya?
Not very well. This in itself is not a vasana or core issue, though it’s born from one. It’s one of the leftovers of vasana creation.
My attention moves back and forth between it and the the vasana.
This is a residual and habitual behavior pattern. It’s a default, an automatic and habitual response pattern to threat.
So what do I do? I want to wake up cheerful. I get no happiness or satisfaction from being the Troll under the bridge.
I open myself to the experience of the behavior pattern of suspiciousness. It feels like concrete. Breathing into it feels almost impossible.
Such a dense mass must define some aspect of my personality, some boundary or limitation. It puts a cap on my self-expression, happiness, energy, etc.
My stomach feels like a Gordian knot. OK, this one is bigger than I can process. I call in the Divine Mother, Archangel Michael, and Sanat Kumara and invoke the universal law. (3)
I ask them to take this dense mass of suspiciousness – this Troll number – from my mental body, emotional body, and etheric body. Wait a minute. No, take this Troll number from me. (I don’t want to limit them.)
Now the rest – raising to awareness, re-experiencing, and reparenting – is up to me.
I can also breathe love up from my heart and paint the Troll with it.
I can remain aware of him and let awareness dissolve what’s left of the act. There are many approaches I can use. (4)
Thank you to the Troll under the bridge … and goodbye. You protected me from violence for many long years.
Your purpose was accomplished long ago. It’s time now for me to step outside the fort and reacquaint myself with the outside world.
Unless I’m mistaken, the clarity that I attain as a result of this cleansing enters the collective consciousness and contributes to clarity in general. This is a win/win.
(1) But I do know that I’m causing it, not someone else.
This is the alternative way of handling our upsets to saying, “You made me mad” and projecting our vasana onto someone else. See “’You Made Me Mad’: Not True,”
(2) See “The Grand Motif,”
(3) I won’t name the law because of the danger of it being misused. Sanat Kumara has said that he will make up the remainder of our invocation if at any time we just say “the universal law.” He will see that we don’t go astray.
(4) I’ve gone through many of them in “Bringing on the Bliss,”