I am at the moment processing a really persistent and deeply-rooted vasana (or core issue), which I’ve never even noticed till now because of its construction. (2)
It’s a two-handed conversation, rather than a simple single voice. I’m going to call it a “nexus.” (3)
One side of the conversation is hatred of the father. The other side is guilt for hatred of the father.
The reason I’ve never been able to complete it is I’ve always neglected the second voice, which remained hidden, continuing to provide an anchor for the vasana.
Sometimes I work on the hatred. Then, completely independently, at other times, I work on the guilt. But never both together.
So today is the day.
Part of it is easy. When I recognize part of it as being guilt, I immediately hear myself suggest I drop the guilt, which is image management, and experience my choice in hating my father.
I pause to experience my choice. I hear myself say, I’m a little too old to hide behind guilt. Waking up from guilt is the easiest part.
Now deprived of that anchor, I look at father hatred. Well, I do hate my father. That’s the truth.
I have to acknowledge it and experience through to completion whatever results, without confusing the issue with guilt.
Disappointment arises at all the missed opportunities to share love in our early family life. But it isn’t a powerful surge of emotion. The charge on the issue seems to be wearing down.
I appreciate the rough childhood my Dad had, which, along with his probably-frightening merchant marine experience, explains why he was as oppressive as he was.
The fact that he was only that way with me and not with my brother made it harder to bear. (4)
I acknowledge that other fathers in the neighborhood were equally rough and violent. I suppose I didn’t have it any worse than my friends.
Gradually I’m seeing events with adult eyes and that’s causing the vasana to lift. Again the rising love energies are the great imponderable in the background. Maybe their uplifting vibrations are responsible for the ease with which this process of completion seems to proceed these days. (5)
I’m left saying to myself, “Enough already.” I have no more energy for this issue and feel it gradually draining away from me.
I invoke the Divine Mother and the Laws of Change, Elimination, Intent, and Sacred Purpose to remove from me whatever is left of this nexus of hatred and guilt and replace it with a fountain of love, for Dad and everyone else.
And that’s an end to it.
(1) This is actually a drawing from the Internet, which bears a remarkable resemblance to my Dad.
(2) I have before called these “two-handed scripts.”
(3) For everything on vasanas, core issues, old baggage, the seeds of future action, see Vasanas: Preparing For Ascension by Clearing Old Issues at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Vasanas-Preparing-for-Ascension-R10.pdf
(4) I asked my Dad later why this was so and he said he didn’t know; he guessed it was because I looked like my Mother.
(5) For more elaboration of the process, see “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process,” December 29, 2018, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/12/29/how-to-handle-unwanted-feelings-the-upset-clearing-process-2/.