Since seeing the two-handed script of my Mom and Dad arguing, I’ve been watching my moods, my inner chatter. (1)
I’m seeing that the impact on me of watching their heart-breaking conflict, day in and day out, or whenever I ventured out of my room, (2) was way beyond what I’ve seen so far.
For a moment, I experienced the amount of tension I hold in my body routinely. Just at this moment and this and this. It’s way over what I expected to find.
Because of the ongoing conflict – overt and simmering – my inner landscape is a battleground. There are shells flying and people shooting. The tension I feel in my body on an everyday basis is akin to steel bands.
I feel like I’m in a porcelain body. (Michael and I have a prearranged signal for “yes.” I just got a yes.)
I’ve been living every day of my life in a state of moderate, below-awareness tension. My baseline has been (Michael is saying yes again) rock-like when there’s no requirement for it to be so. Keeping yourself in a knot while on Earth is strictly optional.
It’s a wonder I haven’t given myself cancer.
I did? (3)
To think that I was finished with my Mom and Dad on the basis of the work I’d done so far – without seeing this – was naive.
I always wondered why I felt so little hope around relationships. I’m literally shell-shocked from those years in the trenches … I mean, family. I don’t think I could manage a relationship right now. I’m not here.
Feel to heal, Kathleen says. Make peace between your mother and your father. Balance the inner male and female.
I’m experiencing all that arises as a result of my feeling and seeing.
As this imaginary porcelain body disintegrates, I’m flooded with memories of the very best times in my life. At the same time, I feel like I’ve swum a mile to reach the shore and I’m exhausted.
I invoke the Divine Mother and the Laws of Elimination, Karmic Dispensation, and Grace to take all the strain and tension I’ve created in my life – and body – away from me and to free me from all other effects of this remembered family scenario.
I want my body back. I want my happiness back.
Let there be peace in my inner family. Let Dad see the uncivilized nature of his behavior. And let Mom find on the higher planes the love she so persistently sought here.
(1) See “From Vasanas to Scripts,” September 17, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326368 and “An Almost-Near Near-Death Experience,” September 18, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326397
(2) Ding! Sort of like today. I’m hunkered down in my room (locked down) just like when I was a kid. I feel very comfortable here. In my mental set, I never left my room. I just made lemonade out of lemons.
(3) I had prostate cancer back in 2016.