For me this seems like a time of strangeness, a time of weirdness.
On the one hand, I feel determined in certain areas; on the other hand, I feel weak and vacillating in others.
There was a cartoon in one of the leading magazines decades ago called “Top Dog/Underdog.” Inside was the outline of a man who was wanting something. Inside of him was the outline of a baby, who was screaming his head off. It highlighted the onstage/offstage, public/private discrepancies in our behavior.
The discrepancy between what we think and what we do. I watch the gap in my own behavior and I smart and winge when I think people see me running my numbers.
I descend from there into complaining to whomever will listen, “I can’t do this job. Take this cup from me.” Etc., etc.
All the while I know the truth of the matter – of course I can do it. These are just old behavior patterns firing, old grooves I’m used to walking in, rising to the surface at this time.
Yes, the various tugs and pulls of our rising inner conflicts call up my repertoire of excuses and denials. Yes, I dust them off to fend off being associated with loss, failure, and defeat. But that’s knee-jerk, automatic behavior. It’s not me. I’m here behind the mask. And, these days, behind the mask behind the mask.
I’d rather sit here in meditation and do nothing than run my rackets again. What was it Jim Carrey said? I hold myself in contempt! Well, my ancient, unexamined behavior, yes. Not myself.
But that’s what the rising vibrations are squeezing out of us – righteous indignation, old resentments, short tempers, self-pity, for us to see it and really get it.
Michael warned me that we’d get weary of our Third-Dimensional side (read: ego) and just let it go. I so much feel that way.
What a ride this is. I feel like I’m riding out the perfect storm.
