I’ve just had some devastating news recently. It wouldn’t be fair to name the person involved.
But I can’t imagine the shaft penetrating deeper into my heart.
I’m going through one space after another – grief, hatred, the collapse of self-importance, helplessness.
It also has me addressing some issues in my life that have been hanging around since forever. Life is suddenly too short.
I maintain that we’re all being put through situations at this time that have great meaning and application to our missions.
Some of them take the form of deep cleansing, which this one seems to be for me.
I made notes closer to the event…..
Nothing that had meaning for me yesterday necessarily has meaning for me today. It may or it may not. I’ve lost interest in everything that seemed important yesterday.
I feel like lead. I have a ball of grief in my stomach, just waiting to explode. It aches.
When I sit, I want to stand. When I stand, I want to sit. I can’t find any position or activity that allows me to relax for more than a minute.
I can’t imagine the life beyond. I don’t want to imagine it. This is a lifetime of associations and memories we’re talking about.
I’m not making decisions all that well right now. I feel listless. What’s the point?
The word “reeling” comes to mind. I’m reeling from the shock.
At the same time as these emotional events are happening inside, I’m amazed at how calmly I’m taking things on the outside. Back in university, I’d be busy having a nervous breakdown.
Well, I did, as a matter of fact. More than once.
But now it’s just something more I need to handle. And I will. Not elegantly. But I will.
Here come the tears….