One could see the process of uncovering or revealing the Self as akin to moulting.
The crab doesn’t find itself. It moults a confining shell.
If we go off in search of the Self, we’re busying the very one we want to “find.”
“I’m searching for the Self.” “Go away. I’m busy.” “What are you busy doing?” “Searching for myself.”
In fact, what’s more relevant is that there’s an overburden of vasanas (core issues, early childhood trauma) and archaic behavior patterns (originally born of vasanas but now independent) that sit on top of the Self and hide it.
All of what I’m saying is metaphoric, of course; nothing “sits on top of” the Self. But how otherwise could I speak than with metaphors?
For a decade now I’ve been going through a very public evolution. It’s involved completing my vasanas; dropping my archaic reaction patterns, without putting anything in their place; and then committing myself to the divine qualities and living through a bumpy transition.
This is the phase of Ascension that Buddhists call sila, dharma, or right conduct. Ascension itself they call Buddhahood.
Committing to the divine qualities is committing to right conduct. For the troll under the bridge, this is not a small thing.
Prior to that, mired in my own early childhood trauma, I was at war with everyone. Just plain at war. Bitter. Edgy. Had a chip on my shoulder, my Dad used to say.
The source of the vasana? I tell myself: No one came to my aid when, as a twelve-year-old, I reported the domestic abuse in our family. I ended up being reprimanded and threatened into silence.
I was the typical model student on the outside, seething with anger and resentment towards the whole world on the inside. Fortunately I was guided towards healthy outlets like encounter groups, communication workshops, and enlightenment intensives.
But for the last decade I’ve been completing my vasanas in real time, so to speak. Looking back on it, I think the degree of exposure or transparency it required accelerated the process.
The point is I arrived at a degree of stillness of the ego/lower mind which has proven to be a launching platform for spiritual experiences.
One of them was the sight of the Self. As the Divine Mother shared, the experience was toned down, truncated. The light was not brighter, as she said, than a million, billion suns. (1)
But the experience for me was, nonetheless, like the baseball runner sliding into home base from third. I’d gotten home. Not as deeply as I might like but I was home. For the first time in this lifetime.
Clearing vasanas and taking a stand for the future (eg., in my case, a commitment to the divine qualities) worked. I made it perhaps as far home as I’m meant to go, given my soul contract, as the Mother emphasized, to be a writer and not a spiritual teacher this lifetime.
There’s been a lot of assistance from the other side. Moreover, the love energies are ever rising on the planet. As a result, I think, everything about spiritual practice these days is easier.
Concentration in meditation is easier. Access to love and bliss is easier. And so on.
But I don’t know. There are no maps or graphs or statistics to confirm our experiences. I can only go on my own sense and what others share.
I’m beginning to get an overall sense of my work this lifetime. Not completely or crystal clear, but an inkling. Like a pinball that rebounds from paddle to paddle, I went hither and yon to get here. This is what it took. Or at least what I put myself through.
No more. I’m retiring the personality who struggled so hard, with my blessings and gratitude, and allowing out whatever is down there – experience or barrier – awaiting its turn. It’s my work to push my edge, press on, experience what lies ahead.
One of our star family said that, to them, 80-90 years old is just starting out in life. So I’m just starting out. New growth, fresh start, waiting challenges.
(1) Steve: The experience [of the Self] at Xenia [Retreat Center], Mother, was that truncated?
Divine Mother: Slightly, yes.
Steve: I had the thought [it was]. … The Light I saw should have been brighter than a thousand suns. The fact that it wasn’t suggests to me that the experience was truncated. …
DM: It was not is brilliant as possible, let us put it that way.
Steve: Alright… And again, the reason is to keep me in sync with my readers?
DM: To keep you in sync with your readers. But let me be very clear…. If you had seen the light as it actually is – yes, a million, billion suns – you would have simply departed. …
We don’t mean die but you would have departed the life that you have designed – yes, with us – for yourself, for the service you are providing – you would have departed and simply said, ‘I do not need to do this. I will just simply sit in the bliss of love and good luck, everybody!’” (Divine Mother in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, Oct. 26, 2018.)