(Concluded from Part 1, above.)
I wanted to go deeper into my observation of the still space when suddenly a fear arose. I said to myself: If I go deeper, I invite a deep spiritual experience. Will that interfere with my work?
The mere appearance of fear was enough of an obstacle to halt the process. I went no deeper. I almost heard myself say, “Yah, you’re probably right.” I was easily discouraged.
That’s a vasana (or core issue) and I set about “sourcing” it.
I quickly asked where it hailed from. Remember that vasanas are not necessarily logical. It’s just that something in the present reminds us of something in the past and we get triggered. (1)
In response to my question, I heard myself say, “You can’t trust anyone.” And I pictured my Dad and Mom quarreling immediately before we went on a vacation.
What’s the use of going deeply into, say, believing we’re going to have a wonderful vacation when we never do? I gave up at some point and now fear guards the door to trusting people again by going deeper.
Now I got the actual point at which I gave up! My Dad kicked me once under the table and I said, “That’s it! I didn’t even see that coming. I need to stay away from this guy.” And that’s the last time I trusted my Father. Instead I “kept my distance.” (2)
Fortunately love doesn’t come as readily from another as it does from our own hearts.
That ability to draw love up from my heart is the only depth mechanism I have. I’m not complaining but I want to go deeper with people. After the Reval, I’m going to need to so time to start now.
I’m sure that will come with the Ring of Fire or, if not, with the gradually-rising vibrations of Ascension.
I don’t want to overlook that what’s happening to me fits pretty closely with what our various sources are saying. Dissatisfied with the way things are. Uninterested in what formerly interested me. Seeking greater depth or heights. Valuing experiencing the divine qualities more than enjoying earthly possessions, experiences, etc.
I’m baking slowly in the Mother’s oven and quite enjoying it.
My mind remains still and I’ll observe what happens. But for now … I’m hungry for more depth.
(1) A vasana is a core issue and is the major obstacle to enlightenment. See Vasanas: Preparing For Ascension by Clearing Old Issues at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Vasanas-Preparing-for-Ascension-R10.pdf; particularly, “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process.”
(2) But the vasana goes much further back. I next saw myself in the crib. My hands were tied to its sides and I’d kicked the blanket off. I was watching the ghosts (car headlights) flash by and hoping they woundn’t see me.
I had excema and my crying was keeping my Mom and Dad awake. So they tied my hands to the crib so i wouldn’t scratch and wheeled me into the kitchen. My trust suffered there to begin with.