It doesn’t have to be this way, don’t you agree? Credit: vecteezy.com.
I need to switch to awareness writing to record something strange that’s happening to me.
Maybe “strange” is the wrong word. It seems to be the natural next unfoldment in a lifelong recovery from dissociation.
My Dad yelled at me from inches away from my face when I was 7 and my personalty shattered into a million pieces. It took me till age 58 to put Humpty together again. I’m still emerging from one impact or another or finding a new development.
This one is in the latter category and it’ll sound so trivial that you’ll wonder why you’re reading this.
I usually go around with a baseline grumpiness, born of years seeking solitude, I think, so I could write. I have been justly labeled a grumpy old fart and the troll under the bridge.
If I have the right distance with another, I’m all smiles. But invade my private space when I’m writing and I bare my teeth and grrrrr…
Usually a growl is enough to scare people off.
Well, that just shifted.
I know how I got here. I was interrupted once this morning to do an errand and I said “I’d love to.” Not “I’m writing … grrrr” or “No interruptions please” but “I’d love to.”
You can imagine all heads in the room turning to look at me. Huh? A microsecond before speaking, I left behind the troll under the bridge, the grumpy old fart … for the first time. And got in touch with my loving to serve.
I was no longer automatically set to defend my grumpiness. All remembrance of it was gone. Well, that’s pretty routine with me, who has no short-term memory to speak of! But, still, my loyalty to grumpiness shifted to loyalty to love almost seamlessly.
I can see the hand of Michael in this, just as I saw it in him taking my arthritis away years ago.
If it was not divine intervention, then I may have reached a critical mass of clearing in other areas of my life.
Whatever the case, it happened in an instant. If I wasn’t watching, I’d have missed it and be unable to tell you about it.
It gave no warning, carried no explanatory text, came with no accompanying captions. Just one minute one way; the next moment a different way.
I used to call these “breakthrough moments.” Whatever the causation, we’ve broken through.
I’m also reminded of writing a day or two ago that “it doesn’t have to be this way.” Well, chalk this up to a second illustration of the truth of that comment.