I’m going through a ridiculous dispute with PayPal. Clearly I’m reactivated. This is therefore a rant.
They put a limitation on my account, which was cleared up – except for one thing.
They needed documents to establish my identity.
I furnished them with lots of documents, but there was a catch. All my official identity documents are in the name of “Stephen M. Beckow” and my PayPal account is in the name of “Steve Beckow.”
They wanted government documents in the name of “Steve Beckow,” of which there are none.
Stalemate, and on and on it went.
Totally ridiculous. But it showed me many things.
I found myself at one point getting very mad at them. And I know I can no longer afford to go nuclear around anything really. I then noticed that my Adult (Big Steve, Higher Self) was not in the driver’s seat; my Wounded Child was.
Let me underscore this: In the moment, I saw that my Adult was not in the driver’s seat and realized that my Wounded Child was. The Wounded Child was madly driving the car, mowing down people.
It has been seen. It was now raised to conscious awareness. This is a very large event for me.
Where before I would have said “It’s just who I am,” I now saw that the Wounded Child was directing events, with me not paying much attention to it.
The downside is that it implies that I don’t yet have a well-developed Adult Consciousness State. (Well, I know I don’t. I’m a newbie.)
My Wounded Child is in charge more than I’d like. But I‘m now aware of it.
I also saw that, if I wanted to restore calm and peace to myself, I had to take actions consistent with that aim. It wasn’t going to happen by itself. And it wasn’t going to happen if my intention and my actions did not line up.
I created my upset; I now have to create calm. This reparenting is hard work.
The process involved many steps that were novel to me. At one point I heard myself say, “I’m not going to worry about this today.” I knew full well that, if I put off worrying till tomorrow, I’ll have forgotten about the matter and simply carry on. Well, it worked, but was not an answer.
Our ineffective behavior patterns are formed in the heat of the formation of vasanas (core issues). They then erupt like volcanoes – fear, hatred, anger – when we get near to re-experiencing the rejected feelings.
But the behavior patterns that result have a life of their own, independent of the original vasana.
I can heal myself of vasanas and still have residual ineffective behavior patterns. I want to reparent myself and bring myself to a point of equilibrium. I’ll need to, to handle the assignments which I know are waiting in the wings. I have to not start the car until my Adult is safely installed behind the steering wheel.
Reparenting in part involves me teaching myself more effective ways of handling things than I’ve resorted to in the past. I know it sounds strange to do this work with one’s self. I’m wide open to ridicule for being so transparent. But I see reparenting as absolutely necessary if I’m to be of service later.
I have to both shed the unworkable and create the workable by my own efforts (and lots of help).
I guess we don’t see emergence from our vasanas and reprogramming our behavior as a matter of healing.
But I’m going through this process and it’s proving to be a great healing for me. Often painful and embarrassing in the moment but finally full of relief.
Enlightened psychologist John Enright used to say:
“Unawareness leads to momentary relief and continuing pain; awareness leads to momentary pain and continuing relief. “(1)
I’ve always steered my ship by that statement.
(1) Awareness, Responsibility, Communication Workshop at Cold Mountain Institute, Cortes Island, B.C., Canada, January 20, 1979.