A Perfect Truth

 

It’s heartbreaking that a face I used to love to see, I no longer want to meet up with.

Not his fault. I just don’t want to hold up my end of the façade any longer.

I don’t feel like spending a leisurely hour consuming overpriced lattes and dubious pastries and trying to chat cheerfully with someone who would disparage the beliefs I hold.

If, that is, I bothered to tell him what they are.

*****

I’ve been trying to get together with this friend to celebrate our birthdays, which were in September, for two months now.

We keep setting a date, but one of us will end up canceling, usually me. He’s an active retired person with multiple commitments. I have the excuse of family to take care of.

Busyness isn’t the reason I keep canceling, though. It seems I’m unwilling to admit either to myself or to him that it’s both stressful and out of alignment for me, on some deep level, to connect with him nowadays.

He’s not any less dear to me than he always has been. We’ve been friends for thirty years and know each other well. So I wasn’t surprised by his reaction to the rollout of the vaccines earlier this year.

When I attempted to introduce some commonsense caution into his enthusiasm for those experimental drugs, he pooh-poohed my remarks. And when I pointed out that the injections don’t prevent people from getting or spreading Covid, he triumphantly parroted the party line: “But it will keep me from getting seriously ill from it!”

I could almost hear the lock click on the closing door of his mind.

*****

That was some nine months ago. We’ve gotten together a couple of times since then. Innocuous conversations, sharing pictures of his new grandbaby, talking of his travels and activities.

Exactly the same conversations we would’ve had, minus the new grandchild, two years ago.

Then the great conversation stopper, the bomb of Covid, dropped. Many people were gulled by what they were told. I did some online investigating and never stopped questioning. 

The main narrative vs. “what I believe” has been duking it out for too long at this point. My patience with others’ apparent ignorance has dwindled until it’s just a faint smear of memory in my rearview mirror.

If that means I can no longer spend much time with mainstream narrative believers, it certainly cuts down on opportunities for social interaction.

I have so few longtime friends, withdrawing from one of them would be poignant in the extreme. And yet, given my reluctance to meet up with this one friend, it seems that some part of me is moving in that direction.

I value honesty and genuine sharing. How can I converse for five minutes, let alone an hour, with someone I feel I must dissemble with, even if only by omission?

*****

A couple of friends have taken the vaccine under duress—family pressure or job pressure—knowing full well that the vaccines are not as presented.

At first, I was upset and uncomprehending. These people are stalwart anti-vaxxers. What the heck are they doing putting this stuff into their bodies?

Many months later, the upset has faded away. I know that these individuals are aware of vax viewpoints beyond the mainstream. When more broad-based information about the vaccines becomes evident to the general public, they won’t be completely blindsided. They know about the vax’s downsides. Additional revelations will likely help rather than harm their coping abilities.

The friend I was supposed to meet this morning…I really can’t predict how he would react, other than sheer disbelief and denial.

What, if any, is my responsibility to him? To others similarly situated?

Having to acknowledge they’ve recklessly injected themselves with a toxic drug because they didn’t do any research would likely be devastating. I’m not sure I have the capability, or willingness, to put that humpty-dumpty back together again. If it’s even possible. 

*****

I was given some wise words yesterday, channeled to me during an Emotion Code session with Barbara.

“It’s your grandmother. She says, tell her she’ll figure it out when she gets there.”

It seems my smoothest course would be to acknowledge and accept the uncertainty inherent in these times, without letting it throw me off-center. Remember that wisdom and support will surely be provided when and where and how I need them.

And most of all, I’ll keep reminding myself: I’ll know what to do when I get there.

That certainly sounds like a perfect truth for me.