I am exhausted with feeling angry.
I didn’t recognize the anger until a few days ago. The realization was a shock. Me, angry?
Once I identified the emotion, my mind sped back, cataloging and labeling, through months and years of experiencing what I would call disgruntlement or peevishness, annoyance or impatience. Or anger’s suppressed cousin, depression. But never the “A” word.
Perhaps this is because, as a woman of a certain age in a certain country and culture, I was given the mostly subliminal message that I’m not supposed to feel or express the harsher emotions like anger.
There was no “girl power” touted during my California childhood. And I was too young to wallow in the glorious righteousness of the 60s movement.
Whence did this particular anger originate? Why am I suddenly triggered by just about any little ol’ thing? Must I trace it back to a source, or can I simply recognize that it’s there?
Yeah, that sounds good. Recognition and acknowledgment rather than in-depth digging. I’ve done enough of that to last me a lifetime or two. I can now admit that I’ve been prey to some form of “experiencing anger” for most of my life. It’s so vast it takes my breath away.
And Lord knows, this last year has allowed multitudes of humans to live in a crazy world that just begs us to get angry at it, and I’ve succumbed willingly enough.
No doubt it was part of what I am supposed to have experienced, and perhaps that’s so for many of us. Maybe I’ve even been engaged in the ever-popular spiritually aware task of taking one for the team, and I’ve transmuted a few kilos of red-tinged emotion for the hapless and largely clueless human collective. Good for me! Can I have my reward now, and stop?
In the spirit of “recognition and acknowledgment rather than in-depth digging,” I spontaneously make a declaration of sovereignty to Spirit and the Beings of Light: I am now formally done with the overwhelming experiencing and expressing of anger. I thank the emotion and the experience, but I declare that I am done with that intense level of it.
I feel it zing out to the Universe. Ah, I’ve been heard, my petition received and granted. Yippee!
I see the caboose at the far end of the horizon. The engine chugs away, out of sight. So many emotions on board that train! I might catch it again one day.
Or not. I can exercise the sovereignty we hear so much about and co-create, manifest, or attract all I truly desire…and decline the selvage.
The caboose disappears completely. The faint smoke from the locomotive stack hovers like a thin ghost against the twilight sky.
I take a big, smiling breath. Release. And feel done.