I’m reaching the end of the road with anger-based strategies I use to get my way.
So I’ve been observing myself and examining anger as a subject.
If we look at anger, we’ll see that it’s employed in a relatively-unvarying fashion.
A thought comes in or an image comes to our attention. The operator, the spirit, the self evaluates it and decides how to respond.
If it judges the matter urgent or important, a flashpoint may ensue. Instantaneous response may be asked for. The voice may respond immediately. Or the body may leap into action.
If the operator judges the matter less than urgent and not of great importance, it may consult a script of more gradual responses that have succeeded in the past, including irritability, non-cooperation, defensiveness, or threats.
It introduces them in an orchestrated manner that reflects its estimation of the situation. Not urgent – slowly building. Urgent – flashpoint.
I have many angry thoughts flit across my mind in the course of a day. I don’t remember many of them unless they result in s0me significant action afterwards.
Those that lead to a flashpoint and response I recall if it’s useful for me to do so; I forget even them if it’s useful for me to do that.
I excuse my belligerence on the grounds that I’m protecting myself or someone else. I have a litany of excuses ready but they don’t stop me from feeling guilty if I resort to self-defence.
And the residue of guilt builds up and up over the years until I become the spiritual equivalent of rusty or creaky …
… unless I clear the vasanas at the root of my anger, which of course I’ve been doing for several years now.
I’m beginning to realize the fruits of that work now – glorious inner space, much more balance, and a feeling of having returned to a “normal” range of responding.
I get to see that there is an exit from anger. But it does take work.