Most people would encounter the lessons I’m learning over a gradual period of growing up. The process would be called “maturing.”
But, because of dissociation at an early age due to domestic violence, I “matured” only slowly and incompletely.
Like many others, I built a constructed self around my disabilities. Scrapper, activist, etc.
The only time there was someone in the driver’s seat was when I got angry.
So now, having re-discovered self-command, which to others may have come naturally, I’m having to “mature” quick, to catch up with my age, so to speak.
It’s no longer acceptable to behave like a child or do any of the other things I did to camouflage my intentions and plans. And now that someone is in charge, someone who knows how the will operates and has taken on responsibilities large enough to provide the motivation, it’s time to act.
That someone is now sitting in the driver’s seat and is buckled up.
That someone simply intuitively knows that it is the final authority on all matters concerning me. It doesn’t require proof. There’s no one it’s attempting to satisfy but itself.
That someone does not need inspiring, advising, replenishment, directing. Whatever powers it, it’s hooked into an independent source.
I know these distinctions must sound basic to most people, but I’m just learning them, as the space opens up for me take this next step in reclaiming – and understanding the bases of – my authority.