In quiet and stillness … or I may dance.
This transition that I’m going through continues. It’s like a snowball – decades of slow work on vasanas and now gathering speed.
I spent nearly six decades healing dissociation. Now I’m using a dissociative fantasy to provide leadership to myself, to assume command over myself.
I’m imagining that “I” am an older brother (Big Steve) and “Steve” is a younger brother (Little Steve). And I’m taking care of him, protecting him, organizing things, etc.
If I were to use other people’s terms for what I’m doing, I’m presenting myself through my Adult side (1)
In the course of this fantasy and with the consent of “Little Steve,” I assume the mantle of command over the joint enterprise of him and me. Especially at key moments of emergency or crisis.
Whether “I” am a new face on the scene – it certainly feels as if I am – or just an adjustment to a pre-existing mix, I feel a part of me being supplied that has heretofore been missing – a note of self-command.
Remember that the Arcturians gave me the challenge of mastering every thought and feeling. This is me doing that. (2)
Not command over others, which is interimly and ultimately unsatisfying.
But command over oneself, over one’s ego primarily. And I now am starting to have that. It feels satisfying.
Self-command is an important missing piece in the healing of the Humpty Dumpty Man. (3) Command over myself has always been missing. I drift. I please. I follow other’s leads. Seldom do I experience myself as actually and satisfyingly leading in my life.
Again, as I said yesterday, this is all brand, new territory for me. The path starts at the trailing edge of my leading foot. Turn around. You can see the path behind you. Look ahead. Nothing.
I’ve assumed command over myself, the only appropriate person I have the right to command. That means command over my ego, my mind, my body, everything.
The ego is the only part of me that would contest the will. I’ve assumed command over the ego and I’ve been successful.
I’ve been riding the bucking bronco of a dissociative state for sixty-five years. Is this where it leads? A resumption of self-command, of command of the will over the ego? A taming of the buckaroo in me?
Well, if it is, there’s nothing more to say. Endless chapters follow. But this is a fine plateau to have reached.
Let me experience the space of self-command in quiet and stillness – Or I may dance.
Footnotes
(1) Eric Berne in Games People Play set out three “ego states.” I’d prefer to call them “consciousness states.” They are Parent, Adult and Child. “Big Steve” is my Adult consciousness state. Another name for it would be “Higher Self.”
(2) “You will be called upon to master EVERY thought and feeling.” (Arcturians in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Suzanne Lie, Nov. 8, 2013.)
(3) Enter the search term “Humpty Dumpty Man” in the site’s search box and “Categories.” Me in the later years of my dissociative state I called the Humpty Dumpty Man.