“Many are being forced out of their comfort zone, which serves to open them to question their personal belief system and the status quo.
“New and higher awareness about everything seen, heard, tasted, touched, and smelled is quickly unfolding in world consciousness through the Light of the higher-dimensional energies now pouring onto Earth.” (The Arcturian Group through Marilyn Raffaelle, Jan. 27, 2019, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2019/01/27/arcturian-group-message-via-marilyn-raffaele-jan-27-2019/.)
The waves of self-deprecation are either hitting me or soon to reach the shore.
“I’m not good enough.” How much – how deeply – I believe that to be true.
I’m willing to bet that it’s the primary belief I have about myself, from which all other self-beliefs flow. The ridgepole of the constructed self. (1)
Wow, that belief serves nobody. It leaves me in a deficit, in the red, needing help. I’m not part of the solution; I’m part of the problem.
It requires others to stop what they’re doing, halt their forward motion, and attend to me. So it ties up resources.
Supposedly I’m part of the team that serves but I end up being part of the team that receives the service.
I search my memory for the earliest remembered trauma that holds this in place. I ask my mind to help.
I see my Dad yelling at me because the lawn mower caught fire. It caught fire because I cleaned it. One of the things I did to clean it was empty out that dirty, black gunk inside it. Dad called it “oil.” And the machine caught fire.
But to be yelled at for doing what I considered was a good deed – cleaning the lawnmower – deeply hurt. I wasn’t able to make room for my Dad at that age.
Following that and everything else of the same kind over many years, there was never an apology. Speak of separation: Over time, opposition.
Somehow, some of all that was said must have gotten in because I’ve felt ever since that I was never good enough for my Dad – or for major challenges in my life, generally. (2)
So that’s where it hails from in the endless stream of intergenerational transfer.
It’s my task to end the transfer, which is a task that requires constant vigilance (I got grumpy today and apologized afterwards). What a big task it is.
Of course I accept it. And I even have some more recent news, some very encouraging updates to this earliest memory.
Since these early traumatic events, I’ve been in the presence of the Self whom we all are. When I saw it, I felt its original innocence and purity.
Just as “original sin” is an inaccurate term, so also “not being good enough” is inaccurate – in view of what I saw that day. Since when is total innocence and purity not good enough? Who among us would take that position?
Coming from the space of not-good-enough is coming from what others have called “the wounded child,” “the Child ego state,” etc. I notice it and let it go with a blessing.
What I want to come from is the Adult or balanced state, that Kathleen has been describing in her Holy Grail series.
So I say again, not good enough for whom? For one of us?
Please show me where God says I’m not good enough. As far as I’m aware, I’m good enough for God.
We’re all Children of God, formed of love and consciousness. We’re all innocent and pure as the Self. Who among us therefore is not good enough?
(1) In a future article, I’ll be discussing the nexus or knot in consciousness that’s created by these kinds of false grids and entrenched beliefs that I call “conclusions.” They’re what we concluded about ourselves – in my case, I am not good enough. The article will be on unforgiveness as a strategy and it’ll look at the price I pay for having that strategy in place.
(2) Certainly being a lazy, no-good good-for-nothing got in. Someone give me permission to stop writing so many books. I made my point, right? I’m not a lazy, no good good-for-nothing. Never mind the fact that Dad is dead. The charge lives on.