Writers’ Corner
By Peter Johnke
There has been a lot on the GAoG blog about forgiveness. It seems to me that the first step in the process of forgiveness is non-judgement.
But not judging is a tricky thing. We judge without even realizing we’re doing it. A friend recently posted on Facebook, “As soon as you are born, you are given a name, a religion, a nationality, and a race. You spend the rest of your life defending a fictional identity.” I would add gender to that list.
All of these labels are not who we truly are. Human, Asian, straight, poor, anxious, illiterate, disabled, chef, teacher, beggar, Communist, investor, etc., etc.: they are all just labels.
Another piece of non-judgement is realizing that we don’t know the whole story. If we did, then we would fully understand the situation and, likely, we wouldn’t be hurt by whatever happened, so there would be no need to forgive.
As humans, we are very reactive, so in the moment of conflict it’s tough to ask ourselves, “What am I judging about this person or situation and what don’t I know?” But those are questions we should be asking ourselves whenever we feel that urge to judge others.
I mean, do we really want to be looking for reasons to have to forgive people? Isn’t that what we’re doing when we’re judging people?
I think there are some exercises that we can do to help us recognize our judging. I spent a few years in Virginia Beach studying at the Association for Research and Enlightenment (ARE). At one of our study groups it was suggested that we try to see if we could go a whole day without condemning, criticizing, or complaining–the three ‘Cs’. Oh, boy! I don’t think I’ve ever made it through a whole day; it’s taken a lot of practice and consciousness just to make it through a whole hour.
As I first practiced non-judgement, I just stopped doing the three ‘Cs’ out loud, but they were still there in my thoughts. Despite a good amount of practice, I still have a long way to go, but I am more aware of when I’m judging or making assumptions (thinking I know the whole story).
When I catch myself (really my body) going into reactive mode, I now think, “Well, that’s interesting.” This creates a space that allows me to pause and not jump to judging.
Even though we all struggle with forgiveness, I think most of us realize that being able to forgive is an important skill to have. But here’s something else to remember: the opportunity to forgive is something we should recognize for the gift it brings.
After all, forgiveness teaches us unconditional love. And how can we learn forgiveness if we never experience pain? Without those people who have slighted us, how would we ever learn to forgive?
It takes a lot of work, but it’s the path to unconditional love. If we hold a grudge and are unable to forgive the other person, it’s like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Bless the ones who are helping you learn forgiveness – it’s the journey to love.