I wrote an article the other day and was very pleased with myself.
I found myself saying, “Yay, Steve,” and then I mysteriously broke down in tears.
I realized at that moment that I’d been starved of validation from my Father as a young child and instead fed a diet of invalidation.
The classic criticism that got in and remained for the rest of my life was “you lazy, no-good good-for-nothing.” Have I produced enough articles and books to prove that I’m not?
I know now it was simple generational transfer. As his father did to him, he did to me.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have sidestepped his remarks like a bullfighter. But then I resolved to prove him wrong. The result: A Type A producer. Always busy.
I began to see that, in my desire to reparent myself, I not only need love from myself, but also massive validation.
I need to supply that validation myself rather than asking for it from others.
“Yay, Steve!” Holy cow, a whole new area of work. When will it end?
Reparenting myself, by the way, will probably only restore me to “normal.”
I remember moving through a mammoth vasana (core issue) at an enlightenment intensive. How did I feel at the end? Elevated? Blissful? No, I felt normal. I couldn’t believe that all that time I had been behaving abnormally.
I would never, ever have seen that unless I slowed life down at a retreat such as this one and watched each move in the entire sequence of the vasana. First I did this and then I did that.
Doing so not only released me from the vasana itself, but also showed me how it was constructed and what impact it had on me and others.
All of this has to be ironed out before we step onto a larger stage. Otherwise, for me, it’ll interfere with everything I try to do. Or my compensation for acting abnormally will turn me into a stick man.
Two days later
In the evening, while waiting to make a conference call, I was idly playing a cellphone game. And when I won, I would say “Yay, Steve!”
At that moment, I saw that THE major lack in my life was validation and THE major trauma was invalidation. Feeling invalidated underlies most of my dysfunctional behavior.
Pretty soon, I was yelling, “YAY, STEVE!” at the top of my inner lungs and dancing around the room.
In reparenting myself, I’m right now filling a huge perceived lack of validation by really getting wildly into encouraging myself.