One emerges over time from dissociation. It happens as one makes one realization after another, like a search beam, going in this direction, then in that, scanning for something that would shed light on why I feel so hesitant, retiring, unsure of myself.
You know the story: Dad yelled at me, aged seven, from inches in front of my face. I shattered into a million pieces and it took fifty years to put Humpty together again. (1)
I finally was able to say goodbye to my Dad’s violence when I saw its value. It awakened the past-life memory of a military commander in me. It awakened the fight in me and that’s served me over the years (how do you spell “9/11”?).
I can look back now and not only see why all of it occurred but also why it was that I should need to go through that scenario. I sensed that I would some day need to draw on that experience.
Uhhh, like now?
But it takes time to emerge from the dissociation it all caused.
Fast forward to the present and I’m at the stage in my own evolution where I’ve consciously rechosen my co-creative partnership with Archangel Michael and watched changes happen to me day after day. (2)
Today it was a sense of self-confidence … I can’t say “returning” because it feels utterly new. It’s happened out of my experience in Wendy Zammit’s interview (3) and subsequent conversations with people I met as a result of it.
Self-confidence is not an attitude. It isn’t something we do or even be. It’s a divine state. You remember that a feeling is in us whereas a divine state is something we’re immersed in. I am in self-confidence rather than it being in me.
What’s it like? Self-confidence is palpably soft, like velvet or devon cream or maple syrup. And it, by its nature, is lov-ing, actively loving. Love flows outward from me when I’m in this state. I would not necessarily have expected that. But in retrospect it makes sense.
Self-confidence has nothing to do with arrogance, which is at the other end of the spectrum and is not a divine state.
It has nothing to do with “mocking up” an attitude of self-confidence – bravado, pretense, strutting about. Nothing to do with creating and selling an image. Nope, not soft, not loving, etc.
I think this development happened because my Higher Self and my design team decided that now was the time to re-awaken it in me. If I’m right, then this would be a further demonstration of the accuracy of them saying you’ll have what you need when you need it.
What specifically did I see in reviewing Wendy’s interview that preceded this reawakening of self-confidence in me?
I see that my “working” memory is intact. I see that I can go in and out of fields of knowledge and feel comfortable tying them together. I still forget what I’m saying in mid-sentence but others are having the same problem and so I’m “among friends.”
I see that I can be clear in speech, whereas in the distant past I was anything but.
Much of the unbalanced emotionalism and wild gesticulations are gone. I still talk with my hands and probably always will but it’s coming within a place of balance.
My love for what I’ve been studying comes through – and my love for love.
Remember, this is a kid who was viewed at best as being complex and at worst as being anti-social. I was just dissociated and didn’t know what was wrong or how to handle it.
So Wendy’s interview gave me a chance to look at myself and say, “How’re you doing, pal?” And I was happy with what I saw.
I have no ambitions in the area, aside from being clear and serving the Mother. My love for the subjects I study will do the rest. The ground was prepared for me to feel a return of self-confidence the next day.
I’m just an observer at this moment. And I’m recording the realization that occurred – and is still occurring – as it happens. I don’t know where or when the experience of self-confidence began.
I’d better switch into stream of consciousness because I’m in a realization unfolding. I’m in a state of realized knowledge. (5)
I’ve never experienced anything as comforting and reassuring as self-confidence. It’s billowing inside of me but in the most pleasant and reassuring of ways. Oh my. I feel into it and I now see that it’s love that is billowing, inside self-confidence like one of those easter eggs with a sweet filling?
Is that how the self-confident work their miracles? To borrow a phrase from Linda, they’re “fueled by love.” When they speak, love is speaking?
The realization keeps expanding.
OK, I understand now. Thank you, whichever of my guides is working with me on this realization.
I see that self-confidence has been totally lacking from my reconstructed self since forever. This is like the prodigal child returning home – a cause for great celebration.
I see that genuine self-confidence – real and actual; not something made up – is akin to sealing the cracks in a vessel that holds liquids. The vessel now works as intended and turns out to hold love. I got it. Thank you.
At the same time, all of this feels very sacred and I probably shouldn’t be writing about it lest I expose myself to ridicule from the mockingbird press.
I now feel relief, at being reconnected – perhaps after lifetimes – with self-confidence. It was a casualty of the shattering. “I” am glad to be back online.
All the best memories of my life are now flooding back – 15 cents for a cream soda in the park on Isle Bizard in 1956, endless coffee milkshakes at the Fontainebleu in Miami, Disneyland, Knots Berry Farm, seeing a flying wing over North Dakota, seeing UFOs over Kelowna, Parliament in London, Westminster Abbey, etc.
It’s now OK for me to enjoy these memories, whereas before I was always, in my own view a hesitant, insecure and altogether-worthless person – a lazy, no-good good-fer-nothin, my Dad would say. (6) That one got in, I guess.
Here I am, crying my eyes out. Getting the upset up and out of me.
A seventy-year journey back to … oh my gosh, not again … normalcy.
(1) That was 20 years ago. The return of self-confidence happens 20 years after that, making it seventy.
Enter “Humpty” in the search box. As well as:
“The Kryptonite of Being Wrong: Getting to the Heart of Fear,” June 4, 2019, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2019/06/04/the-kryptonite-of-being-wrong-getting-to-the-heart-of-fear/.
“From the Humpty Dumpty Man to Here: Completing the Fear of Being Wrong,” June 5, 2019, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2019/06/05/300939/
“Putting the Global Humpty Together Again,” July 8, 2022, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2022/07/08/putting-the-global-humpty-together-again/
(2) See “Co-Creative Partnership” in What’s Next? Vol. 4: Global Leadership and the Reval at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Whats-Next-4-1.pdf
(3) See “Spiritual Experiences that Have Shaped My Life,” October 17, 2023, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2023/10/17/348835/
(4) See “Co-Creative Partners with the Company of Heaven,” June 12, 2023, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2023/06/12/co-creative-partners-with-the-company-of-heaven/.
(5) Three levels of knowledge: intellectual, experiential, and realizational. I was in realizational or realized knowledge when I wrote this.
(6) The charge my Dad would regularly hurl at me, the one that got in. My vasana or core issue of worthlessness formed around it.
On working with vasanas, which is the same as “purifying” yourself, see Vasanas: Preparing For Ascension by Clearing Old Issues at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Vasanas-Preparing-for-Ascension-R8.pages.pdf