I seem to be getting down to experiencing a level of fear that would have been inaccessible to me even a year ago.
It’s with me all the time. It’s nothing other than a vasana (or core issue). And it isn’t a new vasana. Things don’t seem to work that way.
It’s one of the same vasanas that I’ve been working on up till now, only deeper and deeper.
In the same way, going in the other direction, we get the same love, the same bliss as we’ve always sought, but just deeper and deeper.
How can I characterize this fear? Well, my Dad’s scrapbook (1) put the matter succinctly: “What did I do wrong now?”
A fear of being wrong. When I say those five words, they’re like a key in the lock. Say the words and you turn the key in the door and the upset unlocks.
I fear being wrong. Yes, I’m almost paralyzed inside, as the driver of the car, (2) in the face of the kryptonite of being wrong.
There’s nothing to do but be aware of it. Awareness is not neutral, as we discussed years ago. It’s dissolutive. (I made the word up.)
Rest in simple awareness of a feeling and the feeling dissolves. Kathleen calls this: “Feel to heal.”
Resist it, suppress it, deny it and it persists forever. As Werner Erhard used to say, what we resist persists.
I need to get the depth of my fear of being wrong. It isn’t enough to simply see the species of fear, so to speak, and name it. I also have to experience it, get its message and feel (and in some cases express) its full extent before it finally lifts.
And it’s so subtle, so universal below the level of my everyday awareness that I could easily think I’ve experienced it completely when I haven’t.
About this, Archangel Michael once said that we in the world think we’ve finished with an issue when peace has been restored. But we haven’t. We push it down and it comes up somewhere else later on. (3)
Similarly, until I experience this fear to its very depths, it will not release its grip. That is the way we’re designed, in my opinion.
This is utterly ironic. I’m writing by actual candlelight, the electricity in our building having totally gone. My laptop will soon give out. I’m metaphorically as totally in darkness (chaos?) as a person can get.
Just as I dove to the depths of the heart and there found the Self at Xenia, so now I dive to the depths of my being to get to the heart of this fear. I maintain my awareness of it and will report later.
(1) I recently was shown a scrapbook my Dad did for a growth workshop. It was very helpful to me because it showed that the way he had treated me was exactly the same as the way his Father had treated him. When I saw that my treatment was simply a case of intergenerational transfer, some of the pain eased.
(2) Who is driving the car? The wounded child or the adult?
(3) As Kathleen would say, we need to feel it to heal it.
Here is Michael’s full quote in his reading with EBSS. It repays study:
“The reason why I speak of this is that many of you – and you, beloved, included – look at situations and you say, ‘Well, how can it get much worse?’ That is because you, and many, come from a place of love and purity of intent.
“But you also know that everything that has need to be eliminated, everything that has need to be relinquished, everything that needs to be healed in this cesspool that we call ‘chaos’ has need to come to the surface.
“Otherwise – and this has happened many, many times in human history – what happens is there is a belief, there is a healing, an accommodation, a remedy, and then the human collective tends to think, ‘Okay, now it is cleaned up. Now it is healed. Now it is done.’ But the core – the core issues [i.e., the vasanas] – of the collective, and of course of the individuals, have not been addressed, and therefore it simply settles in and it festers.
“In this part of the infinite, eternal unfoldment of our Mother’s Plan, it all has need to be surfaced so that this subtle and actual festering, until it again boils over, cannot happen. It is simply, in your time and in the Mother’s time, the juncture at which this has to be healed. So it continues to rise to the surface.” (“Archangel Michael: Victory is at Hand!”