The sharing just gets deeper and deeper. And that’s what it’s supposed to do.
The deeper we share, the more truth is revealed. The more truth is revealed, the more upset lifts; the more light is generated; and the more our gradual Ascension is assisted.
I just shared something so deep that I tremble at the thought of sharing it publicly.
But that’s the work.
I was thinking about attending a particular event. And something inside of me said no.
I recorded the conversation:
“It’s a comedown for me to discuss the everyday things of life these days. I carry a baseline of events in my head and it only feels welcome to break it for things at a competing level.
“And this event doesn’t seem to promise that. I’ll just sit there, at the event, feeling uncomfortable, thinking about how to leave gracefully.”
[Yes, this is true.]
“I’m afraid, more and more, that I risk living life in a bubble – much more after the Reval than now but even now.
“I have never said this to anyone.
“I may need to begin saying it more and more in the future.
“I feel relief having said it.
“I risk it turning out to be a lonely road.”
This is all true. In the Presentation of Self in Everyday Life (the sociology grad student in me says) Erving Goffman talks about various types of secrets. That which I just shared would be a “dark secret.” (1) But I’d take him a step further and call it a “deep, dark secret.”
I don’t want to lose the educational value of it so let’s look further.
Corners of my life which have been in darkness are now beginning to come to light. This is one of them.
I’m brought to stillness and silence by the implications of what I said.
The deep, dark secret below it is this: My life is my mission and my mission is my life. This lifetime.
I’m not a victim in that. This lifetime, that’s the way I want it.
There. I’ve said it.
I haven’t been living my overall life in consonance with this hidden and secret commitment. I’ve been holding on to “everyday” and “superficial” behavior patterns and so I’ve been suffering inside.
I’ve kept it a secret out of fear of losing friends, but I can no longer let that consideration govern my actions.
The price in cognitive dissonance has become too high. The inner war invites and causes darkness and veils.
Now I have to find a gentle and graceful way of letting these patterns go and living up to my commitment without simply annoying people.
Pressure might come in the form of people saying, “Don’t you ever take a break?” “You’re going to become one-dimensional.” “Don’t you have any friends?” Etc. And fearing these sentiments is what has kept me from being honest and committed until now.
But, having been shared, the deep, dark secret no longer has a hold on me; there’s a lot less I’m hiding.
A great deal of stress and tension has fallen away from me by this one realization.
“You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Indeed.
(1) “[Dark secrets] consist of facts about a [person] which [the person] knows and conceals and which are incompatible with the image of self that the [person] attempts to maintain before [their] audience.
“Dark secrets are, of course, double secrets: one is the crucial fact that is hidden and another is that fact that crucial facts have not been openly admitted.” (Erving Goffman, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. 1952, p. 141-2, at https://openlibrary.org/works/OL3282045W/The_presentation_of_self_in_everyday_life. ) A timeless classic.