Happy New Year, everyone!
Happy New You!
May all our many dreams come alive in 2021!
In the meantime….
I’ve just glimpsed a vasana so strong that it’s always remained in the background. It defined the limits and channels of my life. My life oscillates between its two extremes.
I’d like to look at it and then do some reparenting with it.
The vasana is that I’m either filled with Himalayan self-importance or absolute self-negation. There’s no middle ground. I swing between one and the other extreme, it seems.
I don’t have a problem with healthy self-negation such as parents practice with their children, putting their children first. I do have a problem with self-importance, however.
Why is it necessary to feel special? To feel important, influential, wise, etc.?
I’ll tell you why for me. Because it feels good. I can’t put my finger on a more exact word.
I feel secure when I feel important. The more important, short of a Hitler or a Stalin, the more secure, my mind says. (1)
It’s the feeling I’m after.
So why not cut to the chase and simply feel the feeling?
Hmmmm…. I am secure. I’ve never noticed the feeling of security before. It’s novel to me and I must say, I like it.
Why do I feel secure?
I’ve been outside my body so I know I’m not my body. I’m not afraid of death.
I’ve received my mission statement from the Mother herself. Now that is special. And it offers me certainty, which contributes to my feeling of security.
Michael has shown me again and again that he puts bread on the table so I’m not afraid of dying of hunger. That frees me to allow my mind to roam.
He’s reassured me that he and his helpers bring people to the blog so there’s no need for us to be hawking our wares.
You all have been incredibly tolerant so that I could flap my wings and not be shot down left and right. That has given me confidence over the years. For which I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Security and confidence seem to go hand in hand. I say that because, when I experience one, it’s easy to switch into the other. They seem related.
In my opinion, human life is predominantly about how we feel and I like these two feelings. I notice they don’t live on the extremes but in the middle.
These two are feelings which were not nurtured in me when I was young so I have to make up that deficiency now. With them in place, I feel a sense of settledness, groundedness that has been absent until now.
As I reparent myself in this area, I replace self-negation and self-importance with security and confidence. I like feeling this way. I think I’ll buy it.
(1) Of course history shows us that the two don’t necessarily correlate.