Self-acceptance, it seems to me, is the largest part of a healing process from childhood trauma.
Or so it has proven for me in my process – still underway.
A short while ago, I found myself feeling proud of myself for what I’d accomplished in this lifetime.
Feeling proud of myself is utterly foreign to me. Feeling self-acceptance in any form was strictly verboten, forbidden in this child’s world as my memory recorded it.
I’ve been in self-loathing for most of my life, sentenced to it by myself because I was a father-hater. I haven’t accepted this side of me up till now and now need to let it back into the family, so to speak.
Feeling self-pride, given my self-loathing, wasn’t within my purview, my universe of possibilities.
But I see that I’m not in self-loathing any more.
It isn’t what I feel proud of that’s important. It’s allowing myself to feel self-pride in the first place. That’s the breakthrough, the shift that took place at some undetermined time. (1)
At this moment, I’m genuinely proud of myself, warts and all. And I guess I’m exploring it.
Yes, I was really lousy in some roles I tried to play. Yes, I did not know what love was. Yes, I struggle with my vasanas. All of that is true.
Yes, it was the same for my Father. He did his best under miserable circumstances, and his father the same.
I leave self-loathing behind. I leave father-hatred behind. I no longer need them. (2)
I accept that I can feel pride – feel proud of myself, feel proud of others, feel proud of us all.
I welcome the feeling of pride in myself back into my heart and conscious awareness.
(1) My sense of self-worth would have increased what Archangel Michael would call my “spiritual currency.”
(2) I hope I demonstrate by this act that a person can leave objectionable behavior behind; this, in support of the maxim “object not to the person but to the behavior.”