When I look at the process of taking responsibility for my internal states, immediately up come the barriers to doing so.
That makes sense, does it not? When I say “yes,” the cautious part of me, reinforced by many memories of being hurt, protests. At least, let’s take it slow, it says. At least let’s give some thought to this.
The next barrier to come up is my relationship to time.
I think there are appropriate times, moments, and places to feel love – and inappropriate.
It isn’t OK to feel love all the time. It’s as if we cannot love and function normally at the same time.
I don’t know if that’s true or not because I’ve never tested it out. Can I love and lead a normal life? What do the internal factors say? The external factors?
The third barrier to arise is my resistance to realizing that I create my life, act by act, minute by minute, day by day.
I believe that my obligations are creating my life. I’m an effect, in this view of things, rather than a cause – a puppet, with someone else pulling the strings. Usually that someone else tracks back to our idea of a judging and punishing God.
At one level someone else is pulling the strings. But I’m talking about a deeper level of awareness than that. At that deeper level I alone create my life – if not the events, then my response to them.
Only that stand in life feels powerful. Everything holding back seems fear-based and in the face of fear my awareness shrinks. That cannot be a good thing.
If I feel myself subject to the whims of my employer, I feel afraid and shrink away. If I feel I have less money than I need, I feel afraid and shrink. I don’t see the process happen because I end up with a lowered awareness, of everything rather than an increased.
My lowered level of awareness is usually not capable of tracking the process that just occurred and is usually unaware of what happened.
So the only thing I can do is brush-clear before the event, to create a safe space for whatever forward step it is I’m contemplating. And keep processing whatever comes up.
In this case, I need to try things out. Can I walk around all day expressing outwardly the love I feel inwardly?