Those are the Do’s; Now the Don’t’s
I’m making the don’t’s a separate post to keep the original article from becoming unwieldy.
I will add to this list. This is a living article.
I think that many don’t know how to listen. They were never taught. They don’t know what real listening looks like. I didn’t.
Consequently we’ve developed some ways of being that we think are listening, which usually are not. Let me frame the discussion here in terms of what not to do. Listening is what’s left over when we get out of the way.
Don’t…
Don’t distract, deflect, or redirect the speaker. Let them tell their story completely without interruption or redirection, except for a needed clarification.
Don’t spend your time when the other person is speaking framing your next thought or question. That’s simply not listening.
Drop all agendas other than hearing the other person. When you space out, acknowledge it without drama and come back.
Don’t listen for two or three sentences and then shift the spotlight onto yourself.
Exception: I briefly share about myself at some point in the listening to show I have my ante in the game, that I’m really present, and not secretly sleeping with my eyes open. And then I go back to listening.
I certainly share in one or two words to signal the speaker that their message has been received and that they may continue.
No Codependency
In terms of your relationship with your president, don’t make them dependent on you. Don’t make the relationship codependent. Declare all dysfunctionality or conflicts of interest that arise.
Don’t get your needs satisfied from the relationship. Seek satisfaction of your needs elsewhere. Only respond to their requests for a listening. Don’t ask them to listen to you. Seek listening elsewhere.
The reason is that, if even fictional, you’re in a position which in the Third Dimension would have been considered one of authority (CEO). The relationship that gives rise to (a person giving commands, if even imaginary) requires that you bring your problems and issues to someone other than a person reporting to you out of respect for any possible conflict of interest you create for them.
If the CEO as Listener tries to assume power over the president, this mission has failed. If the CEO as Listener behaves arrogantly, struts, wants all success attributed to their own doings, etc., the mission has failed.
Listening is only really successful when done as service to others, not as service to self.