Onwards and inwards, a friend quipped to me the other day.
And I saw that I’ve been going inward for the better part of my life, but never thought I did.
For me it was always self-awareness, and it happened, well, in the everyday layers of the mind as well as the deepest part of me, simultaneously. I would shift back and forth between aspects of myself, states of mind, effortlessly. I think we all do.
Add to that that this occupation requires a lot of time spent alone. “Inward” has just been home to me.
Now it’s becoming interesting. Because what I now see as “inward” is shown to be my naturalized state. Not my natural state yet. That’s more than a year away (apparently). But the state I’ve grown accustomed to.
The simple act of maintaining awareness of oneself is all it takes. Sitara in her article talks about listening to herself say something negative. (1) Yes, being a witness of one’s own words, emotions and deeds. Being the observer.
Watching ourselves. Listening to ourselves. Experiencing our emotions fully. Being who we are, in this moment, consciously. This is the consciousness path or awareness path.
I wish I could describe what it feels like to be in touch with one’s self. The most exquisite love for oneself comes up, as if one is one’s own best friend.
Tender love for one’s self.
When one is OK with one’s self, when one is at peace with one’s self, when one is in love with one’s self, then, for me, life really begins.
I think at some point most of us got scared out of loving ourselves. And now it’s almost as if we need to regard ourselves as separate, as an object of investigation, to fall in love with ourselves again.
I think of myself as both a subject and an object. And the subject loves the object. I’m best friends with a second self that I project outwards. I find this imaginative exercise helps me to love myself, take care of myself, etc. I become the lover and the beloved, in my heart and mind’s eye.
(1) “Sitara: Love Works. Always” at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2015/12/01/sitara-love-works-always/.