The twig was bentfrom my earliest years. I remember my Mom and Dad quarreling when I was in the womb and me saying to myself, “I don’t want to go out there.”
As an infant, I had eczema and Mom and Dad would tie one arm to this side of the crib, one arm to the other, wheel me into the kitchen, and leave me there to bawl my head off. I would kick the blanket off in my fury, lie there cold all night, and watch the ghosts (headlights) go by on the wall.
A parent must be daft to do this to an infant.
When my Dad became violent, there was I taking movies of him and recently (1) I even experienced how he felt.
Those early years left me with a movie in my head that wasn’t very pleasant. And outside of my awareness, as a growing boy, I dwelt in thoughts of getting even with him, that no one was ever going to treat me that way again, and, like my father before me with his father before him, I developed a pattern of deep and unseen resistance and a tripwire of anger.
Little did I know that I’d one day realize that I’d become my father. (2) But thanks to the guides, as a result of this exploration, I’ve seen that I have.
Oh, wouldn’t I wish I could tell you that I was an angel all my life. That I picked flowers and loved purity, gentleness, and kindness. Well, Monty Python’s big foot would come down on me if I did. No, I had to play the part of the recovering victim of abuse. And I shall play it.
The original shattering became a lingering split.
Immediately having seen it, I said to myself: “I don’t want to go there. Chief Engineer, change direction. This is the Captain speaking. All hands on deck!”
Krishnamurti and several other spiritual writers have said that we cannot know our Self without first knowing the ways of the many selves that we are. And I agree with him.
“The many selves that we are” are what I call the constructed self.
Tomorrow we’ll look at the process of progressive realization that I went through that brings the constructed self forward and offers relief.
(1) “Our Deep Housecleaning,” Sept. 22, 2014, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2014/09/22/our-deep-housecleaning/.
(2) Loc. cit.