Just kidding!
I’m finding that, as we “push our edge” in the area of growth and spirituality over time, it gets easier and easier, more and more rewarding, and more and more secure.
For decades I felt unlovable and unforgivable because I hated my father. It’s been a very long journey from there to here, where I don’t hate him; I appreciate his role in the drama.
He awakened the martial element in me so that I didn’t just gravitate to a forest hut or mountain top and meditate. And he showed me what the cycle of conflict looked like, which my life became about escaping.
I’m out of the hatred now and making the transition from the negative side of the ledger to the positive.
I’ve already changed my vote and now I’m in the process of dismantling the negative and suspicious persona I constructed over years for self-protection. In a word, I’m reparenting myself.
In an enlightenment intensive, we’d “cast the question”: Who are you? We’d either get the barrier or the experience.
I’m watching the barriers arise, one by one, to my simply “being” in the experience of love or the divine qualities love gives rise to. One of them is that, if I luxuriated in the experience of love, I’d have to admit that I’ve been wrong all my life prior to first experiencing that love in 2015.
I don’t like being wrong so I hold love at bay. That’s one barrier.
I just have to acknowledge it. Prior to 2015, I didn’t know what love was. And so the self I constructed was more about addressing the problems I faced, which boiled down to self-protection. I was “wrong” (mistaken, wrong-headed) in most initiatives I took while coming from behind that facade.
There. John Enright would say that acknowledging that hurts for a second but relieves for a lifetime whereas withholding it relieves for a second but hurts for a lifetime.
Right now pushing off from the shore of negativity and earning my livelihood by plying positive waters feels scarey. I made any school of thought wrong that closed off one whole part of existence (negativity, here).
Now I’m seeing that I don’t have to be any one way exclusively and I’m feeling more balanced about how I’m holding the two, positivity and negativity. There are times for both.
It’s time to say “No!” to the cabal, for instance. It’s time to say “No!” to our own old-paradigm strategies and tactics.
Another piece of the puzzle in place and I feel an upwelling of bliss. I must have done something right.