Coming back from being an angry person, graduating to being a troll, and later a global policeman, I find conflict to be absolutely second nature to me.
In fact I love it. I love a good fight and am disappointed when the other person backs down … in the face of my enthusiasm to just get on with it.
My default is a kind of angry vigilance, epitomized by my Dad’s teachings, “You always gotta be on the lookout. You can’t let your guard down for a minute.”
And where this angry persona or mask gets called into action is around “I want/I don’t want.”
“I” am the driver of the scenario. The “I” and the level of consciousness change according to circumstances unknown to me.
But if you deny me something I want or force something on me I don’t want, I respond with anger and we are, from my perspective, in conflict.
I used to think that my anger was a tool I used, to get what I wanted. But, no, now I see that it’s a reaction to something that I think stands in the way of me getting what I want or brings me what I don’t want.
I’m not using anger as a tool but as an expression of my dissatisfaction. I’m not even thinking of “getting what I want.” I’m wanting my displeasure to be known and recognized and that’s it.
Wanting to be heard I recognize as an early-childhood issue. Once heard, my anger dissolves.
I often wondered why, once I was heard, I no longer went after the item in question. I’d achieved my purpose, which was to be heard.
That’s a significant distinction for me and I want to spend time later digesting it.
Well, that’s one hurdle out of the way.
I see that one entry point to loosening this knot in consciousness is I can downgrade “I want” to a liking: “I like….”
I see I can reduce it further to a preference: “I’d prefer….”
I can reach a point of equanimity with it: “OK yes, OK no. I can take it or leave it. I’m fine with or without.”
Now I no longer feel the need to enter into conflict over anything.
Given that I want to eliminate conflict from my life before I begin my new life as a CEO, knowing there’s this way to eliminate it from my life shows up like great news.
The entry point and the approach that worked was to downgrade my “want” to a point of detachment so that there was nothing I was holding on to except love, truth, and peace, in the service of the Mother.