My incompletions and failures are staring me in the face at this moment. It’s all my own contribution to the cycle of conflict. I have no complaint. I need to see this.
What’s happening? At the very deepest level? Way away from surface manifestations.
I’d have to give you some background related to my “hand in the game”; that is, my mission.
I need to refer to a discussion that Michael and I had in 2019:
Steve: Did you bring on the onset of MSSA (1) to have me relax and just spend some time in the hospital?
Steve: I thought you did! Oh, boy. That is so funny!
AAM: There is a part of you, even when we suggested to you that timeout was required, that doesn’t know what that means.
Steve: Yes, that’s right. That’s why you called me “wildcard” to [Blue Star], right?
AAM: Yes and your Higher Self, your Universal Self has given permission for these overrides.
Steve: I thought it was funny when it happened. I could see your hand in it. (2)
I know what he means by “a part of you, even when we suggested to you that timeout was required, … doesn’t know what that means.” I own that part of me. I like that part of me. I like to work. I like to gallop.
And it’s only been in recent years – buoyed up by your support for this kind of journalism – that I’ve been willing to share in the way that I am sharing, blemishes and all, to the degree that I am. You know me better than my family and friends.
If I were ridiculed by the mockingbird press, I probably would lose heart under the barrage. So I go as far in sharing as is advisable under the conditions we’re living under. (3) Later that hindrance will be gone.
I never share about another person. That’s not my business. (4)
That’s a preamble to this.
I can only explain what’s happening as being that my inner capabilities far exceed what the human body can tolerate. And I know it. And whenever my forward motion, my desire to just gallop – shall I call it that? – is blocked, I project my anger outwards.
I’m frustrated at having to go as slow as I need to to remain connected to the outside world. Not to go to the Himalayas. Not to “finish the job.” Not to break my soul contract to go up with everyone else and write about it.
The extent to which I’m working reflects who I am. The state of the body doesn’t. … Wahhhlllll, except that my attitude (as the troll under the bridge) created it. This is my reward, until med beds set me free. But it doesn’t reflect my attitude today … or does it?
The troll is brittle and I get to experience the brittle bodily karma attached to that state of mind. Usually that happens the following lifetime but we’re tying up loose ends (pun intended) in one lifetime here.
I speculate that once I’m no longer brittle – once I flow – my back condition mmmmaaaayyyyy unwind. As it is, because of the disc being displaced, the radiated pain is what’s really troublesome. And that’s not something EES or a chiropractor can fix. I await med beds.
Arthritis is no fun and my heart goes out to anyone with joint pain. Overnight you become disabled. OK, crippled. Hobbling around with a cane. No fun at all.
A recovering troll wanting to escape the cycle of conflict and barely aware of it, I haven’t mastered the conditions of living with the rest of the world while working at the speed I think is normal.
Which turns out not to be normal. (Big discovery.) And doesn’t sit well with sociable people.
I thought it was normal. What did I know? I only live in me.
While working at the speed and length of time I like, I’ve taken until today to learn to get along with another person even to a degree, rather than hiding at my computer and grimacing at each passerby. (OK, I exaggerate.)
It took me 76 years and 11 months to even see that I was living in the middle of a cycle of conflict.
And then to see … guess what? Where I go, it goes. OMG. I’m still recovering from that one.
Seventy-seven years to break the crust of the cycle of conflict, into which I was born and from which I haven’t found the decisive exit door yet.
So I’m just feeling out-and-out dismayed right now. I didn’t make it again this year.
But I will by 78.
“If you begin with yourself, you will end with the divine…,” the sage said. (5)
I believe him. I know he’s right. I just want to be there.
(1) MSSA, methicillin-susceptible Staphylococcus aureus, as opposed to the more serious variety, MRSA, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus.
(2) Archangel Michael in a personal reading with Steve Beckow through Linda Dillon, Nov. 26, 2019. (Hereafter AAM.)
(3) Archangel Michael: You, as with so many, have been kept under cover. (AAM, Feb. 11, 2011.)
AAM: We want you flying under the radar. (AAM, Aug. 2, 2017.)
Steve: Are there things I could say [after the Reval] that might place me in jeopardy?
AAM: That is correct. You do not want to make yourself a bull’s eye, dear heart. (AAM, Aug. 27, 2013.)
AAM: Now are you mightily protected? Well, my friend, if I cannot protect you, nobody can. …
Of course you are safe. What you don’t want is to be bothered. (AAM, Sept. 2, 2016.)
AAM: When you are in a different position [after the Reval], you will not share so much personal detail because, dearest heart, we have guaranteed that you are protected. Well, sometimes being protected means that you keep quiet.
Steve: Yes, yes, yes, I have to do my part. And it’s going to be a challenge, Lord, because sometimes I just want to blurt it out.
AAM: I know.
Steve: What can we do?
AAM: I will muffle you.
Steve: Okay, good! That’s what I need. (“Archangel Michael: Dream Big,” Jan. 14, 2017, at http://goldenageofgaia.com/2017/01/14/archangel-michael-dreaming-big/.)
(4) Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh: If you begin with yourself, you will end with the divine, because that is your other part, the other pole. But begin from this bank; do not begin from the other, where you are not. You cannot begin from there. Begin from where you are.
The deeper you go, the less you will be. The more you know yourself, the less you will be a self, and once you have come to a total understanding about yourself, you will be annihilated. You will go into nonexistence, you will be a total negativity. You will be not. And in that not, in that total negation, you will know the grace that is always falling, that is always raining down from eternity. You will know the love that is always around you. It has always been there, but you have not paid any attention to it. Be annihilated, and you will become aware of it. (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, I am the Gate. The Meaning of Initiation and Discipleship. New York, etc.: Harper Colophon, 1977; c1975, 83.)
This is the foundational basis of the path of awareness.
(5) Loc. cit.