Oh my gawd…. In the course of practising stepping aside, I noticed that, when I the observer, stepped aside, the ego arose. And always it was the same refrain: I am special. I am special.
When I ask for the origins, following the upset clearing process, (1) I see myself in the crib, one arm tied to the right side and one arm tied to the left. Mom and Dad want me to stop scratching (because I have eczema) and they’ve wheeled me into the kitchen and left me there to wail all night.
I suppose, in response to feeling worthless, I somehow yearned to feel special. To balance off the worthlessness I had to find some grounds for being special, right? Or so a one-year-old reasoned.
Whatever the linkage or reasoning, I see this need and desire to feel special as a thread that goes throughout my life.
I get Michael’s signal for “yes.”
I’ve been aware of it at a level below conscious awareness. I’ve held onto it like a deep dark secret.
I’m driven by a need to feel special. Important. I recall Werner’s words:
You and I want our lives to matter. We want our lives to make a real difference – to be of genuine consequence in the world. (2)
That does seem to be a deep-seated urge.
Nonetheless, I’m no more special than – and every bit as special as – anyone else. No more, no less.
As monarch in my own domain, I decree: Let there be an end to seeking to feel special. Enough is enough.
In fact the only thing I think I’m probably special at is … being me.
(1) “How to Handle Unwanted Feelings: The Upset Clearing Process,” December 29, 2018, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2018/12/29/how-to-handle-unwanted-feelings-the-upset-clearing-process-2/.
(2) “Werner Erhard: The End of Starvation: Creating an Idea Whose Time Has Come,”