Mónica Esgueva: “We need to acknowledge our pain, our wounds and our darkness, both individually and collectively. We need to embrace all aspects without judgment in order to transcend them.” (1)
You know I don’t believe that death is the end.
You know why – I don’t need to cover the ground again, I’m sure – 1977 OOBE, 2007 New Maps of Heaven, etc.
Nevertheless, hearing the sad news I heard a few days ago has sent me into grieving.
I know. I know. I know all about how I should be – impassive, equanimous, accepting. Well, I guess I’m not there yet.
My body doesn’t care what I should be doing. (2)
I seem to be passing through the five stages of grieving. (3) The news was enough to trigger it.
I went through denial in the first two or three days. No, no; med beds, sound therapy, light therapy, etc.
Now I’m into the anger phase, ready to tear someone’s head off. Anyone who even looks askance at me. The gods are taking XXX from me. Can you imagine? (4)
Look. The buses are running for heaven’s sake. What is this? People are walking by, unconcerned. XXX is leaving and life just goes on. How can that be?
My friends here have kept me cool and calm throughout the day (special thanks to Sitara). I was enraged.
You also know that I know that we’re designed to go through these things now. This is the Deep Cleansing we’ve been hearing about if I can have the honor of naming this phase.
And this is the deepest cleansing I can think of. Why did I think the cleansing was going to be only external and not also internal????
A lot of my self-importance and selfishness is up and in my face. What does my facade matter anymore? Compared to this, what does anything matter anymore? My normal concerns seem pathetic. I can’t get into action to serve them.
Why keep up whatever pretenses I’m keeping up? Who the heck cares. I feel myself cracking open, spiritually.
Remember I follow the awareness path so, whereas many of the empaths around me are feeling things, I’m aware of them. Sometimes that involves feeling, sometimes thinking, being, doing. (5) These are the tools I bring to any process I go through and grieving is a process. (6)
Gosh, I don’t hurt as much when I write. I totally forgot my rage in the process of sharing by writing this. When I breathe deeply, I feel grief. But I notice that it’s grief now and not rage. That seems to be progress.
It’d be nice if I find that I’ve passed through the anger phase. Until then, my job is to observe and listen.
What’s happening to me right now is an example of how deep the cleansing could go. If what I’m experiencing is representative, those of us who have been closed are being “opened.” (I’m trying to use neutral words.)
Here’s the other side of the coin. In the times when I was not enraged, I’ve never said hello to as many people as I have today and I also had more pleasant conversations than I’ve had since I was a teenager. I was even smiling – me, who is always on his guard – smiling. And enjoying it.
I’m not saying it’s me. I’m saying it’s us.
For reasons unknown to me, my recovery times are usually very short. But this one is deep. I can’t think of anything deeper. Good luck and God bless to anyone else going through the same thing.
Footnotes
(1) “Mónica Esgueva ~ Coming Clean First,”
(2) I remember hearing that a favorite uncle had died some years ago. When I heard the news I was sad but not extravagantly so. Then in the middle of the night, my body sat upright in bed and was convulsed in tears. My body has a mind of its own.
(3) Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance are I believe the five stages.
(4) I think we could safely call this an existential dilemma.
(5) I flow where my awareness goes and my awareness flows where I go. We’re joined at the hip.
I wouldn’t be surprised, when the drama is over and the cast of thousands is revealed, to find that I was dancing with my twin flame or an archangel. When I say that, it resonates inside. Hmmmm…. The thought helps lift me out of the trench I’m in.
(6) Just enter “awareness” or “path of awareness” in the search box.