Recently a vasana (or core issue) got triggered in me that took me right back to the way my Mother and Father used to fight.
He was violent and abusive. She ran circles around him intellectually and, if that didn’t work, withheld herself (locked herself in her room).
It was excruciating being around them when they were fighting.
In the course of being reactivated, I saw that the very fight itself was still going on inside me. I had my Mother and my Father inside me. The war continued.
How was I to end it?
Here I have to digress. I’ve been seeing more and more clearly how so many of us – certainly myself – don’t see clearly the role of the will in altering our circumstances.
If I want to alter my circumstances by ending the fight inside me between my Mother and my Father, it’ll be because I had the will to end it. It’ll be because I intended to, was committed to – and not before or without that intention or commitment.
I consider this so important a matter and yet it’s so often overlooked. We wonder why we don’t alter our circumstances and we don’t realize that it’s because we never had a single-minded and absolute intention to do it.
Maybe we were wishy-washy, devil-may-care, or lethargic. Maybe we had a divided mind and refused to decide the matter. Maybe we were getting biscuits, rewards, a payoff for leaving the situation the way it was.
In this case, as in so many others, I’ve been seeing lately how strong-willed determination, a definite intention is what’s needed to alter my circumstances.
If my boss walked into my office, I’d make up my mind in an instant. We can do it when we want to. And we do do it when we want to.
If we didn’t do it, I think it safe to say we never had the intention – except in circumstances which are plainly out of our control. At least that’s what I’m beginning to think and see.
I can simply sidestep this inner conflict, now that I see it, by the action of my will.
I’m calling on all of us to see the role and master the use of our will. We have to start allowing its power to enter into our thinking.
Otherwise we continue to live a hesitant and weak-willed life and wonder why it is that way. The answer is that we haven’t discovered the power of our will.