First of all thank you to MB for having so generously treated me to a vacation. I very much needed it and it was wonderful.
On the last day … the last morning … a few hours before leaving Xenia Retreat Centre on Bowen Island near Vancouver, I had the breakthrough I’d been hoping for.
Let me include the notes I made as the experience was happening:
One of the “problems” I was having was around a peculiar and chronic feeling which I’ve mentioned a few times.
On most occasions I’d wake up with a feeling of dismay. On other occasions, when I thought unfriendly thoughts, I again had the same feeling of dismay.
At last I found the key to it. It came to me this morning (Sept. 18, 2018) at 5:55 AM. (1) I followed the dismay as deeply as I could and I ended up in my natural self. I was angelic – gentle, kind, loving.
Since most of us are angels, it stands to reason that, at a very deep level, we know that we’re pure and innocent. It’s that deep level that responds to my irritable moods with dismay. Whenever I even contemplate some form of nastiness, my insides respond as if to say, “You know better, Steve. You can do better.” (2)
When I got in touch with that deeper level of me, I felt completely blissful. And not blissful as in a feeling rising and falling but a steady and constant bliss. I’m in it now.
I notice that there’s no resistance or blockage in my breathing when I’m in this space. It’s a little like having a full breath release in rebirthing. Not quite as deep but certainly deeper than my normal breathing.
I heard myself say, “This is who I know myself to be.” And I sell this self out continually when I consent to be judgmental or grumpy.
The bliss continues to deepen. The deeper I breathe, the more it deepens as well.
This is me, not the irritability. No wonder I’m annoyed with myself and dismayed. I sell this one out in settling for … whatever it is I seek … probably control; also approval and acceptability.
I know that I push people around with my irritability – without anyone being able to put their finger on why they’re so scared of me. It can be just a look or a vocal tone. But THIS is what I’m missing out on.
Be still and know that I am God.
Yes, refrain from acting on my irritability … and know that I am God.
Choose to go with my native innocence … and know that I am God.
Breathe deeply into the bliss … and know that I am God.
It isn’t a question of “getting to myself” but of not abandoning myself.
I’m already there. I already am who I am. I simply haven’t been being who I am. I’ve been ignoring or misinterpreting the inner promptings of my higher self.
From now on, no resistance to who I am.
No choosing to go with who I’m not.
I feel clean. I feel innocent. I feel pure. And the only thing that has me think I’m not is where I go when I get irritable or unfriendly.
I’m not going to abandon it any longer.
Pope Innocent III is credited with saying, “In our obsession with original sin, we too often forget original innocence.”
I’ve been forgetting original innocence.
(1) Sept. 18, 2018 = 9 + 9 + 11 +9 = 11
(2) That was something my Mother used to say. One comment like that from her was enough to have me stop and change course.