The work that unfolded as a result of making a list of conclusions and decisions (1) at Kathleen’s suggestion has not stopped since then.
A major realization came today, when I was lying down, meditating. It set the stage for a second.
I realized I had become my Dad at a deeper level than I’d gotten so far.
Some time ago, I’d realized certain things about me and Dad. I knew in some way I’d become him, but I didn’t yet know exactly what that way was or how it had come about.
But because of the list Kathleen had me make, I saw the way: I had my Dad’s attitude to life. The similarity is that I became my Dad attitudinally.
Many of the basic statements on the list track back to Dad’s attitude: You can’t trust anyone; always keep your guard up; etc. The scared-wolf look that I was said to have suggests to me that I adopted his orientation to life. (I was also to find out later than many track back to being tied up in the crib so that I wouldn’t scratch my arms – excema.)
When I got this, I could just be with it, at last, and experience what arose through to completion. I was no longer resisting it and thereby dancing with it forever.
Then I invoked the Law of Elimination to take away all the sentences on that list of conclusions and decisions, to erase the whole shooting match from my mind.
The second major realization started shortly after. It unfolded much like my experience of peace and the Natural Self. (2) I saw a scene in my mind. Usually I see a scene and hardly pay attention to it. And it remains in the background of awareness.
But I focused on this one, just as I focused on the peaceful face earlier. (3)
It was of me as a ten-year-old boy in Montreal for the summer, at my grandfather’s country house. (4) He was wealthy and I felt secure and abundant knowing he was my granddad. Little did I know.
My grandfather was rich. I assumed he cared about us. Surely we could call on him at any time if we were in trouble.
But he never shared his wealth. And he used it to attempt to manipulate my parents. He got away with it with my Dad but my Mom would not give in. Dad became violent towards her and their marriage fell apart.
I can gain a bit of distance from it now, after all these years. It was most unfortunate.
Returning to the Montreal summer scene I was looking at, how I felt that summer at my Grandfather’s “chateau,” was the best I felt in my life. These were my salad days.
Abundant and secure, dazzled by the evidence of Grandfather’s wealth, I could get on with my life now, without always worrying.
Me and my brother only did little things that summer like walking to the village or catching frogs and then letting them loose. It was the way I felt that was so important. (5)
And here I was, in the present moment, reliving the experience again. It felt as wonderful in the reliving as it did in the living. I allowed myself to spend some time in that space. Actually, I’m still in it.
Then I invoked Archangel Michael and the Divine Mother and everyone else I could think of and the Law of Elimination to take away from me all the memories that remove me from this space.
I wanted everything more recent than the summer in Montreal (1956), to do with my patrilineal line, erased from my memory bank. Go with my blessings. It was a trip and I’m detaching from you now.
I get that you all were only doing your best with what you had to work with. But we all screwed up and I need a fresh start. I need to reboot. And shed defective programming and broken links.
I asked Michael to permit me to remain in the space of that summer in Montreal. I can bring the space back, I think, by remembering how those days were and letting go of the rest.
Like the “System Restore” I had a year ago, (6) I’ve again found a time before all the fighting began and I’m laying claim to that space. I want my innocence back. I want my happiness again.
I feel a return of feelings that, since that time, I never even remembered I had. I feel abundant and secure, sunny and confident.
(1) “I Robot,” Sept. 13, 2017, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=289685
(2) See “The Peace that Passeth Understanding,” July 18, 2017, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2017/07/18/the-peace-that-passeth-understanding/
For an earlier experience see “Deep Experience of Peace,” March 5, 2016, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2016/03/05/deep-experience-of-peace/
(3) In “The Peace That Passeth Understanding,” ibid.
(4) After that my family started fighting. I believe in other articles I said the fighting started at my age seven. But from reconstructing events by linking it to cars that we had (we drove to Montreal in a 1956 Chevrolet), I now see that it started at my age ten.
(5) “System Restore,” May 6, 2016, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/2016/05/06/system-restore-2/
I also noticed that the affirmations in “I Robot” are now easy to say. They now accord with my inner experience whereas before saying them was a merely intellectual exercise.