I needed to hear Archangel Michael ask us to stay the course.

I have to digress to convey why.

I mentioned earlier that I’d felt rivetted to documentaries on the Soviets’ role in World War II in the months following my operation – without knowing why I was watching them.

Michael said recently that part of it was to learn about command structures and awaken leadership qualities. Part, to understand logistics. Part, to challenge my mind during a quiet time. And I also may be working with Russians in the future.

Following on from the context of these military documentaries, Archangel Michael is to me like my commander-in-chief, albeit a very loving and gentle one. I almost have this sense that I want to know his opinion, his thinking on key matters. I usually find his statements overwhelmingly persuasive.

So for him to say “stay the course” is influential with me. It doesn’t determine my action. I do. But I give it weight.

At the Immigration and Refugee Board we decision-makers could consult what we called “persuasive decisions.” They were well-argued statements of a legal matter that could be used as a reference in our own decisions. Their logic was sound. Their compassion was well expressed.  Michael’s is a persuasive opinion with me.

***

And what is he addressing? I can only speak for myself.

When things don’t happen that I expect, I feel spooked, rankled. I may continue onward but with an unexpressed grumble.

“Staying the course” does not cover only my physical body remaining in this seat, eyes looking forward, fingers in motion.

It includes my spirit, the occupant of the body being present and in support. It includes “being here in spirit.”

***

Michael has lovingly worked with us to establish enough relationship that he can say “stay the course” (using the imperative) and most of us will not be offended. I can avoid feeling offended because he’s worked so much with me to establish the bond between us.

So him risking offending by strongly advising us to “stay the course” again carries weight with me.

Sometimes I feel like a scared pigeon and have to be reassured a lot before I quiet down. And Michael has taken the trouble to do that with me. I trust him.

Our team has stayed together for a lot of years on a hope and a prayer. And we’re still here. Thanks to the Mother and him.

So I can do this. I can stay the course. However I did need to hear him say it. The body would always be here but the spirit was beginning to wander.

I’ll need to grow up a whole lot more than I have to this moment, drop a few more well-hidden rackets and numbers, all of which I use to “play hookey.”  I still have lots of vasanas that skew my personality, away from the Natural Self and love.

Enlightened psychologist John Enright subtitled his book Waking Up from the Nightmare.  (1) The life I created for myself decades ago, responding to trauma and my own conditioning, was a self-created nightmare.  I’m waking up from it one vasana – one nightmare – at a time.

I used to call myself the Humpty Dumpty Man after a shattering experience at age seven. How was I to put Humpty together again?  It’s taken many, many years and I’m not at the finish line yet.  Still more to go. But I know I’ll get there.

And, yes, this is how you put Humpty together again – piece by piece by piece.

Footnotes

(1) Enlightening Gestalt: Waking Up from the Nightmare.