(Concluded from Part 1.)
As I re-experience that moment of original trauma – the moment my Dad shouted at me from less than six inches from my face – I look at my heart’s response.
And my heart just went neutral. Well, not “just neutral.” It was very hard to get it started again. It was very hard to love again, in the open manner I did as a younger child.
There was no fire in the stove. You could turn up the thermostat but no heat would come out.
But you’d expect this incident to have somehow “injured” my heart. My heart simply stopped being a factor in my calculations because it was “closed for repairs.”
I do feel regret thinking about the many times I was reminded that I didn’t love very warmly. How many relationships failed when I needed to take over the loving for a while and couldn’t get the engine to start.
The heart opening on March 13, 2015 changed all that – dramatically.
Meanwhile my “I” – at whatever depth of self-awareness I may have had at the time, whether it was well-formed by then or diaphonous – got blown away.
It’s this explosive experience that I need to re-experience. Not necessarily everyone does. (1) However doing so fits for me with being on the path of awareness.
I’ve just had an “Aha!” moment, perhaps because I’ve processed this vasana before.
I immediately recognize that I’ve had this same “shattering” experience since then.
I flash right away on the zip line (2) at the est Six Day Course. Something blew off of me after only a hundred yards or so and I let out a yell. So this explosive or “shattering” experience doesn’t need to be painful. And the results can actually be transformative and transdimensional.
On this basis I can welcome the first experience into the transformational fold as one where I had no comprehension of the process and so did not survive it as a personality, requiring much reconstruction. But I did the second time.
I then see that every transformational experience I’ve had in my life since then also results in a transdimensional breakthrough. I end up in a radically-different space than I did before. And always with vast improvement. (3)
So my first experience was not a good one. But every other one since then has been.
The reassurance that seeing this provides allows me to reabsorb everything to do with and resulting from the original shattering. It was a rough way to go, but it introduced me to the world of breakthrough and was followed by an overwhelming number of buoyant experiences.
I’m complete on this particular original event. I look around again to see if there’s any other trauma connected to fear.
No, the destruction of my personality through shattering in this incident is the original and only basis of my fear. Death by shattering. Extinction as a personality. Obliteration. That is my only fear.
And that has actually not been a live fear since I had an out-of-body-experience in 1977. Have one of those and immediately one’s fear of death vanishes. So this is an obsolete fear, locked into the vasana’s memory records but not currently active.
This has been like a game of pick-up sticks. Get through one incident and another appears. That one leads to a third.
However, I feel no more fear. I’m complete.
Do I still judge, as Ashira asks? Do I still quantify who is an illuminati, fanatic, etc.? Let’s see what a difference in things sourcing this vasana makes.
For now, this feels like an ancient, ancient wound that has now closed.
(1) Since writing this article, I had a personal reading with Archangel Michael and he discussed this incident, what the response as from behind the veil, and when it was necessary to re-experience and when not. I’ll be posting that transcript in a few days. And after six days, I still feel no fear.
(2) A zip line is a long and sturdy line straddling a canyon that one “zips” across, strapped into a harness.
(3) Two weeks after writing this article, I came across the quote from Aisha North, which is relevant:
“We can guarantee you all that you will never feel yourself more substantial as when you find yourself scattered into a billion little pieces, seemingly tossed up into the air, for the wind to blow about like nothing more than scraps of paper in a storm. For then, you will truly feel the real power of who you really are. For you are ALL, you are everywhere, and you are no thing at the same time. And as you see this, you will also see far, far beyond the limits you used to stare into every day, when you thought you were nothing more than a human, defined by the confines of that fleshy object, your own body.
“For as you find yourself falling apart, disintegrating into seeming nothingness, you will also find yourself stepping into the real you, the limitless you, the one that has no borders, and therefore, the one that has no end. No end to what you can achieve, no end to what you can be, no end to what you already are, and as such, this falling apart will quite simply be the coming together of the realization of your own true self, the self that is not inhibited by any concept of time or space or indeed matter. For then, you will simply know that you ARE, and no matter what you do or what you choose not to do in the upcoming period, it will have no impact on this, the very core of you. For it is indeed eternal, and it is indeed omnipresent, and it will always be thus.” (“The Manuscript of Survival – Part 385,” channeled by Aisha North, January 12, 2014 at http://aishanorth.wordpress.com.)