I regret now that I did not keep a better record of when I was in pain. Instead I simply bathed and slept and popped pain pills.
I groaned a lot. I ate only a few mouthfuls at meals. My body ached from sleeping in strange positions. Being constipated after a while makes you want to lay down and die. I had no bladder control. One didn’t work; the other didn’t stop.
Someone had conspired to throw me in prison and turn on the water hose (pun intended).
It was awful. And it brought out of me all my lower dimensionality.
That’s why it was so useful. I wish I had chronicled that journey into pain. Gosh darn it. I have to tighten up my discernment.
I rushed people behind the counters. I demanded to be seen to if I was ready to keel over. Nothing quiet about me. And all the time lots of pain.
Pain is an emotion that’s awfully close to anger. I remember feeling pain in the presence of several people and mistaking it for feeling short-tempered. And I acted on the latter.
I was out way before I should have been. I made a thorough nuisance of myself playing patient-out-in-the-world.
Walk around the block maybe. Shopping in Pacific Center. Several bus rides. No.
I learned social responsibility. It isn’t fair on others that I go out before I’m healed and inflict myself upon them. Or, if I do go out, I have to set a standard for myself. Here I just let it fly.
The “better times” are wonderful and what would we do without them? We’re always learning about them and wanting to be in them.
But it’s a lack of facility in the lower dimensions, which we live in, at least from time to time (surgical operation), which impedes us from being in those realms of love and bliss more often, I’m learning.
I see from this surgical operation that my manoeuvring skills in lower dimensionality are not only non-existent. I’m in negative territory. I’m definitely part of the problem. What role do I want to play?
This opens up a whole plethora of buried misrepresentations of myself, that I’m beyond this and beyond that. I simply had an organ removed and that was all it took to show me how little I’ve progressed in some areas.
That’s good. All of it needs to come up, get flushed up and released. Keep it coming, whoever the director of this operation is.
OK, back to sleeping and bathing and walking a block, and NOT making a nuisance of myself.