This is the first day that I find myself able to say that (1) I feel my field of consciousness as a totality, (2) my total field of consciousness feels placid or peaceful, and (3) there are at this moment no separate moods, feelings, vasanas, or any other discrete events playing upon it, no unpredictability to my experience, no cacophony of warring moods.
It’s like what happens when one takes the ingredients for making something, anything, and places them in a mixing bowl. At first they are butter, flour, sugar, milk, etc. Then, after mixing them, there comes a moment when they are all one uniform mix – smooth, undifferentiated, pliant. That is how I feel at this moment.
I’d compare this development also to the technological innovation that happens in the process of creating moving-picture technology. Imagine that I had a collection of discrete photographs which show action in various stages and I held them in my hand like a deck of cards.
Imagine that I showed them to you by rippling them. Let’s say they showed a man with a basketball in one hand, which he then threw to the other hand, and you watched the action by way of the photos rippling in my hand.
Now imagine that those same photos were joined together in one continuous film strip. There’s then no need for me to hold them in my hands, no need to ripple them, etc. They play as one continuous strip and can be shown on a movie screen not just for one person to see, but for a whole roomful of people to see.
That leap in technology is about as significant as this leap in my experience of life. I awoke today feeling integrated in a way I’ve never felt before. My field of awareness is less like a room full of noisy, demanding children and more like a room full of quiet, disciplined meditators. There are no insistent feelings going off, demanding my attention. There’s a sense of quiet wholeness present.
The room full of demanding children I’ve been describing lately as structural consciousness. This room full of quiet meditators I’d describe as flowing consciousness. The demanding children I would characterize as my issues going off, my preferences, my hopes and fears and all other elements of the constructed self, the mask we wear, the persona. They all seem quiet for the moment.
Well, heavens, they should be quiet. We’ve only been processing our issues for the past two or three years. Why should there not come a moment when we reach at least a place of temporary completion with all that? I don’t say it won’t return but I’m in at least a temporary safe harbor for the moment.
Naturally I have the fear that it won’t last. And the fact that it may not last is what has many people not discuss it. But I accept that it may not last and still regard it as a significant development to be noted in passing anyways.
For the first day in my life, throughout this whole process, I feel genuinely peaceful in every area of my field of experience and awareness. And the peace is not itself one card in the pack I hold in my hand. It isn’t the stuff of a single moment of my life. It feels like something associated with the entire field of awareness that I am. I can only hope it lasts, but it’s quite a pleasant sensation for as long as it does and quite markedly different.
(I leave comments open, not for you to congratulate me please, which I don’t feel a need for, but in case others are feeling the same thing and want to share.)