I’m having a mini-full-life review here as a result of seeing my family script. (1) The memories are flashing by.

I remembered that I liked being angry because when I got angry I fused together.  I became my self again. I revelled in those moments.

When I was not angry I was this dissociated, unsure guy who went out of his way to please people. Just like my Dad.

Well, if that’s the way it was for me and I know my Dad suffered worse abuse in his family … I can appreciate why he’d be the way he was.

When I breathe into my inner musculature now, instead of it feeling rock hard, it feels as soft as butter.

With that degree of muscular holding going on routinely, I can now appreciate how it could be that my emotional range of experience seemed narrow to me.

And I can imagine how others, who’ve also experienced childhood abuse and trauma, might have a crimped range of emotional experience and expression as well.

Oh look, I can breathe again!

The release of this muscular holding I’ve been doing does not bring happiness in and of itself. It’s again a launching pad.

I’m restored to inner stillness, available for what’s next. But not catapulted into bliss. (Not yet.)

All of this has been transpiring from 2 am to 4:30 am.

***

Seeing the baseline of tension in my own body from nursing this cycle of conflict and walking in the rut it created, I can appreciate why Dad was so unaware. My family on my Dad’s side were not known for their sensitivity and awareness.

A long, long time ago I wrote a paper on the cycle of conflict, but not till this moment have I experienced it or seen the impact of it on my body, mind, and feelings. I’m now realizing it, even if the realization is minor at this point rather than major.

This mechanical exterior I’ve built for myself over decades is cracking and crumbling. I’m not stirring until it’s gone.

(To be concluded tomorrow.)

Footnotes

(1) See “From Vasanas to Scripts,” September 17, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326368, “An Almost-Near Near-Death Experience,” September 18, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326397, and “I Want My Happiness Back,” September 19, 2021, at https://goldenageofgaia.com/?p=326544.