by Matt Kahn
(via email)
One of the most incredible aspects of holding space is learning how to support someone’s emotional experience without needing to adopt the narrative of their perspective.
All too often, when uncomfortable emotions surface, the ego moves into self-protection mode by placing blame on whichever character it believes has caused such feelings to occur. When protection mode gets activated in someone you know, they may require you to join their judgment toward another person, or risk feeling abandoned in a moment they need you the most.
As empaths, who continually awaken out of people-pleasing patterning, it can be an instinctive pressure to conform to someone’s verbal or emotional demand, so not to risk being blamed for making a moment of emotional upheaval even more difficult for the person you are attempting to support.
This is why holding space is such a remarkable solution to this perpetual social dilemma.
Holding space allows any person to come as they are and to be as they wish throughout the duration of any release.
If we truly desire being there for someone, we neither agree to conform to any person’s demands, nor can we mold them into the version of self we see they are destined to become. Instead, we meet people in moments of tragedy or transition and offer gifts of companionship that allow their own insights to surface at the rate in which safety is received by person you are supporting.
Even when you have a juicy insight that you believe will help them shift, if a person hasn’t asked for greater wisdom on the subject matter, a lack of verbal consent shows you they are ready to feel however they feel and realize nothing further at this time.
As this truth is recognized, the learning curve of interaction becomes a two-way street; the person being supported is being offered the chance to step out of judgment when ready by recognizing your support in present moment time as a course corrective experience to those they judge and blame for their experiences.
Equally so, the divine masquerades as those you support to invite you to only support others for the exact length of time you can be open, authentic, and allow someone’s experience to be what they are ready to face and process.
Even when someone’s blame of another person’s actions are the actual root cause of suffering in their life, holding space doesn’t need anyone to ‘drop their story’ or let anything go. Instead, holding space sees any story of blame as meaningful moments of burning through layers of emotional density — layers that many people cannot face or inevitably move beyond without someone to blame, something to condemn, or a perspective to habitually fixate on.
If this necessary stage of shadow work exceeds the energy you have to share, then it is of equal importance to be honest in your communication, even at the risk of disappointing someone else’s expectations, so not to project spiritual ideologies onto those who need to move through current stages of transmutation at far slower speeds than you may be comfortable witnessing.
When traversing the middle path of holding space, we neither join anyone’s narrative, correct any judgment, nor are we asking them to exchange their viewpoint for a higher perspective. Instead, we are refining our ability to communicate from an equal depth of empathy and empowerment for the benefit of someone else’s experience.
Our ability to hold space is equally as potent when supporting our own healing journey, just as remarkably as it is in supporting others.
The key is neither placating someone’s standpoint, nor challenging their patterning. You are simply agreeing to be fully present and actively engaged in communicative support for as long as you can authentically be open without allowing yourself to be a target for the projections of their repressed emotional density.
What sticking points do you have in supporting others?
When does holding space become a battle of wills in the lives of those around you?
What questions do you have to be more authentic in your support and ability to verbalize truth?
Please add your questions to the All for Love: All Access question portal. Members of All Access receive a monthly video where I answer the most popular questions as voted on by our community. If you haven’t yet joined, I invite you to enroll today and join the conversation.
Through the grace of holding space, your most fulfilling connections, whether with those currently in your life, or others you are calling into your reality, are no further from you than a few meaningful conversations away.
All for Love,
Matt