I’ve had a breakthrough.
Over the course of the last year or so, the higher and increasingly intense energies have been pressing upon my consciousness in a very noticeable fashion.
An internal light shining itself toward all the dark corners that I’d been unable to look at. The shadows became more clearly defined.
On a physical level, this manifested as a surge of energy in my heart-space. So palpable… it felt like a ball of electric plasma, a galactic sun worth of energy and light concentrated in my chest.
Emotionally it was like being at the top of rollercoaster before it went over the peak. Except, that feeling of anxiety, anticipation, and expectation of release persisted for hours.
Some days it completely knocked me out, and I had to take multiple involuntary naps. I could mitigate it with many natural methods. I tried everything I could think of: rest, walks in nature, exercise, meditation, hydration, electrolytes, supplements, music, etc.
While it’s been difficult, I didn’t really mind since I knew it was necessary. One of the many tasks at hand for a lightworker. I knew that my healing was raising the collective consciousness.
Plus, I was making clear progress. There were some days I witnessed whole themes hidden in my shadows coming up to the surface to be released. There was one particular day this summer I released no less than 20 wounds, vassanas, traumas and triggers. It was amazing.
But then I sort of just stalled. The general feeling of anxiety persisted and amplified with no clear path to inner enlightenment. I knew that my impractical situation with being out of work for so long was not helping.
I pushed harder, dug deep and kept searching for the root cause. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I getting this?
It had gotten so bad recently, that I was waking up at 3am in an intense heat and immediate anxiety attack. It had been 3 days in a row of this. I had thought about getting out of bed and doing what I could to alleviate it. But I didn’t want to wake my wife, so I decided upon an in-bed meditation.
This time instead of just staring internally at the anxiety… I let myself sink down into the space where it presided. I went into that internal room instead of looking in the room.
I started tracing where anxiety was present in my relationships, and my thoughts immediately came to my father. I share many similar traits with him. The nervousness, the anxiety, the striving for perfection, the concern over safety and the well-being of others.
Thoughts returned from my childhood. Getting yelled at for doing the wrong thing, even when trying to do the right thing. The feeling of a lack of safety and wanting to do what I could to “fix” it.
But then I realized that this pattern was present in more of my relationships, both paternal and fraternal. Plus, the seeking of emotional comfort from the maternal.
This manifested all sorts of behaviors. Over-applying myself at work. Trying to do “good” and please others. Over-analyzing and over-thinking. Trying to get a complete picture before making a decision. Pushing, pushing, pushing. Never giving up and always finding the solution to fix problems.
This is great. Progress. Insight. What other relationships have this pattern?
It was then that I clearly perceived who was in room with me.
It was my inner child, and it was having a complete full-on temper tantrum.
The relationship that I needed to heal was with myself. This pure sweet innocent part of me was tired of being treated so poorly.
He was tired of me being hard on myself and the negative self-talk. He was tired of me being the perfectionist and trying to get things “right” when all is already in divine perfection. He was tired of being treated like he wasn’t good enough.
The pattern was the same. I was treating myself the way I had been treated.
I was humbled. In that moment, I saw myself clearly as the one who also needed unconditional love. The love you give to your own child. Except that this child was the one within me.
I turned to him and with deep heartfelt compassion… I knelt down, hugged him and apologized. It was tangible.
The response was forgiveness. Immediate, pure and whole. “Of course beloved. Thank you for seeing me.”
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I’m still processing this. But long-persistent distortions in my consciousness are more easily being seen. Old threads and behavior are becoming obvious. Patterns and habits now make more sense. The sense of anxiety in my heart-space has been replaced with peace.
I pray that I don’t forget these lessons or you my inner child. I love you.