January 20, 2023,
https://tinyurl.com/2zsmrre8
I want to share a personal story of how my life has been transformed. There is such healing available to all of us. I share with you what I learned and how I chose to heal.
After years of deep work on myself, facing my shadow, and healing my inner child, I was completely stuck. This is a sentiment that I often hear from my clients, and I can completely empathize.
Even after all of this work, I still had this deep need to play small and hide. There was this pervasive feeling of not being good enough or worthy. I always found it interesting and infuriating that I could bring Spirit through me and get out of my own way during client sessions, but I couldn’t hold that all the time for myself. I could see how over the years, it has caused me to be an over giver, a doormat, and a perfectionist, and it hindered my ability to receive the abundance that is constantly surrounding me.
Once I saw those patterns, I was diligent not to walk that familiar path and made huge changes in my world. Yet, I was tired of having to keep myself in check. I wanted to get to the root of it. I had done countless hours of meditation, journeying, healing sessions, and even QHHT, to get to the root, but there was this giant wall.
In 2021, I vowed to get to the bottom of it. I started praying daily to be shown. I told Spirit that I was ready, and that I have the tools to handle anything now.
In July 2021, I went to Cozumel, working with the underwater pyramids, and was blessed with the opportunity to work with IxChel, the Mayan goddess. I asked her to help me uncover the root of why I felt completely unworthy. She told me that an opportunity would be forthcoming, and to be strong, brave, and tenacious. She told me that many will not understand what I do, that they will judge me from a space of misunderstanding, but to do it anyway. I had no idea what she was talking about, and over the next month, I looked everywhere for that opportunity and saw nothing. With the busyness of life, I eventually forgot.
In September 2021, a client reached out after she read about my work with the Mayan energies and temples. She said that she had been working with potent Mayan medicines that brought her tremendous healing. I knew immediately that this was my opportunity. I connected with her and was able to experience the powerful medicine of Kambo, Bufo, and Tepezcohuite. I began to feel myself unlayering bit by bit.
In February 2022, my husband and I decided to train in Kambo so that I could offer to clients, but more importantly, so that we could continue breaking through our blocks. The training was intense on all levels, and I felt cracked open.
About a month after that training, the memories began to surface. First in dreams and shamanic journeys and then in my full waking moments. I was shown where my uncle sexually molested me from about the time I was 2 to age 6. I would spend at least a week at his house during Easter each year. The memories were vivid and left zero doubt as to what had occurred. It put so many pieces together for me, including health issues I have struggled with. When I was six, we suddenly stopped going. I didn’t see my cousins again until I was 16. We never really got an explanation for why we no longer saw them, but I believe now that my parents suspected something.
I spent time in those memories, pulling myself out of them and bringing my little one home. I saw how easy it was for all of this to happen, as the physical and emotional abuse I received from my mother left me very vulnerable. I craved to be held, loved, and told that I was a good girl. It doesn’t take much grooming when a child is that defenseless.
I found my inner child piece in a sewer, filthy, alone, and full of shame. It wasn’t just because of what happened but also how it shaped my sexuality. I was labeled a precocious child. Instead of getting me help, my parents would tell me not to be a slut, or say I would be pregnant by the time I was 16. The shame was layered so deeply.
I asked Spirit why through all the work that I have done, including shamanic training, did I not see this fully before. I was angry on one level but also understood when Spirit explained that I wasn’t ready to face this with ease and grace before now. I needed the tools, the growth, and my husband as a fully activated, healing partner. Otherwise, it would have derailed my life. I needed to keep my practice running and continue the earthwork. They explained that the timing of our healing isn’t an accident. We heal what we can when we are ready.
Since that time, I have worked with these inner child aspects, and it has been a lot. I have had to spend considerable time alone. I have observed my patterns of self-sabotage and unworthiness and how the sexual abuse colored every aspect of my life. It has felt like a dance of two steps forward and one step back.
I have been through the gauntlet of emotions. Shock, anger, rage, sorrow, grief, disbelief, and even numbness. Simultaneously, I found that I have also been setting myself free. These wounded aspects created so many rules and restrictions. I have found that my Divine Feminine is anchoring in more and more. My bodywork practitioner has been amazed at how open my hips are now and how I can fully take a deep breath. A breath I didn’t even know I was holding.
Through all this, I continued working with plant and animal medicine. When the opportunity arose to complete our Bufo (Toad DMT) training, we jumped. I know the powerful healing of this medicine and wanted to share it with others. I knew without a doubt it was the right call when I began dreaming of the toad.
My first two Bufo sessions of the training were simply bliss. I connected to oneness and my true being without all the layers and programming. In my first session, I was shown a blueprint of the nervous system. I was told to download it into my form. As I did, I was shown my spine, and my entire nervous system lit up. I saw throughout the body where nerves had become frayed, starved of signal, or completely disconnected. This was particularly true in my legs as nerves were damaged from several spinal repairs. I watched as this blue electric light rebuilt or healed the nerves. It was astounding. That night I barely got any sleep as my body just hurt. I had nerve pain going all the way down to both of my Achilles heels. It eventually eased up, moving up to my knees, then thighs, across the buttocks, and finally my lower back before ending. It was about 16 hours in total, and while rough, I was so grateful.
My second journey was amazing. I connected with my spirit team, the toad, and pure oneness. At the end of the experience, I was told that it was time to heal the abuse my body had suffered in the next journeys.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I was concerned about how that would look. Bufo is a smokable DMT, that works immediately. The receiver inhales the medicine and falls back onto a crash pad of cushions or some other soft, safe surface. For the next 15 to 30 minutes, a person experiences the medicine. Most people fall back into stillness. You may see them smile, cry tears of joy, or even do things like nod their head as they receive deep spiritual connection, and messages. Then they come out of the medicine feeling awe, connection, and deep feelings that all is well. Others experience energetic purges; they may move around a lot, make noises, and cry. It depends on what a person is working through.
I knew my session wasn’t going to be calm and blissful. I felt so vulnerable and didn’t want to go through all that in front of the whole group. Spirit heard my concerns, as it was decided that our training group would split in two for the sake of time. I heaved a huge sigh of relief.
Through complete divine intervention, my group was only three. My husband and one of the other trainers, a man named Richard. Though we only met Richard a few days before, I felt an instant connection with him. He was funny and full of energy, and he held the divine masculine beautifully.
I went into my journey, and it felt like a battle. I had so much resistance, fear, grief, and pure abandonment come up. I could feel myself drooling, moaning, and crying. I felt the areas in my body down to the cells where I had the energetic imprint of abuse. It was everything I had to not cling to that, to let go of what has always been there, what I had always known, and to surrender fully to the unknown.
I watched this taint dissolve into the light, and then I took it one level deeper. I then felt as if I was watching the history of the feminine in our world. The pain, the degradation, the abuse, and the way sexuality has been twisted and used. It was too much. I felt like I was drowning. I was terrified and began to reach out energetically.
When I did, I found my husband and Richard. Two pillars, holding the divine masculine with such unconditional love radiating from both like a beacon. I felt completely held and safe.
It was at that moment that I understood completely that it is the divine masculine that helps to heal the wounded feminine, and it is the Divine feminine that helps to heal the wounded masculine.
We have been healing the feminine and masculine within. Often working to heal the feminine through the energies of the feminine, but what is needed is the connection with the masculine. As we do that, there is a deep knowing within that the feminine is now safe to heal, be held, seen, and cherished. As we come into balance within our inner feminine and masculine, each healing the other, we become a pillar to assist another’s healing.
I felt these men as Divine anchors; because of this, I felt safe and could witness the feminine journey and honor it. I then began bringing it into my light and dissolving it.
I came out of the journey and stared into the eyes of these two beautiful men that had held space for me. They radiated strength and unconditional love with such depth that I was able to make it through. I will forever be grateful for both of them and this experience.
My husband told me that I looked like I was going through labor. My abdomen was moving, and I was pushing energy out while simultaneously drooling and energetically purging from my mouth. That night he was shocked to see bruises on my body. One on my back looked like the exit wound from a gunshot. Physical proof that the trauma left my body.
My subsequent journeys were not as difficult but were not easy. In my last journey, I went from room to room in my uncle’s house, dissolving it into the light. I pulled back my power and now feel ready to forgive it all.
This training was such a gift, as is this medicine. I was honored to watch each person heal deep things within and then watch as they became the practitioner and helped others do the same. I am filled with such hope for our future.
There can be such tremendous misunderstanding and judgment around the use of psychedelics. Yet, when used with intention, ceremony, and reverence, it is an extremely powerful healing tool. So many of us have traumas embedded from this life and others; these medicines are a way to move through these layers more efficiently, easily, and gracefully.
We need to change the narrative surrounding these powerful medicines as the governments created the last one. Can these plant medicines be misused or a form of Spiritual bypassing? Absolutely, but so can meditation when it is used as an escape instead of as a tool to dig into your layers and heal.
These medicines, when used with deep intention and then with conscious integration, have the power to shift us radically. My husband’s first experience with Bufo caused him to awaken and step on his personal healing/healer path. Never in a million years did I think we would grow to be healing partners and practitioners. My gratitude for this is never-ending. We truly look forward to offering these medicines, shamanic healing, and deep integration to clients.
If you are feeling stuck and if you have exhausted all means to get to the root of the issue, ask Spirit to show you the next steps of healing and then be open to receiving. Think outside the box, as Spirit has no boxes.
Thank you all for holding space for my healing and my journey.
Lots of Love,
Jen