I’m observing my machinery, my inner mental workings, the way I have things hooked up.
I see that what I do is I read something, see it or experience it and, from long years of practice, match it to higher and higher levels of standards to see if it’s a general phenomenon or a specific; i.e., whether it persists into higher planes.
The things I see and hear that match up to higher and higher levels of standards, providing that I’m inclined to go further in that field or direction (often I’m not), I then apply to behavior.
This is what I mean when I say my life is a workshop. I run experiments to see what happens, how I do, etc.
I don’t remember what I wrote or did yesterday. I have no cumulative memory of other experiments. I seem able to recall experiments if I apply myself. But, for the most part, I only know how I feel now.
In a sense, the books I compile are my collective memory and I use them to remind myself of what I said.
Otherwise, I’m a moving frontier of “now.” I’m adjusting myself, getting ready to actually live in the Fifth Dimensional paradigm of flow. That’s entirely new territory for me and I fear getting locked up in a mental asylum. (You guys better get me out.)
If I were to be as loving out there in society as transformative love would have me be, I’d be … inviting more attention than a writer could possibly want or handle.
As an aside, I recharge in silence, not in conversation. I’m not looking to increase my emails or answer phones. That’s the person in the next office.
So these are all the fears I have in settling into being, living my bliss, etc.
The fact that I push things from the intellectual to the experiential and then on to the realizational, if I can, reflects my training at Cold Mountain Institute (encounter groups, week-long workshops for three months), est (simple, direct processes to get present and express one’s commitment, which we now call “mission”), enlightenment intensives (using Self-enquiry to burrow down), and university (sociology and anthropology).
I feel well equipped in the areas of awareness and self-generation. And an endless hunger to learn.
So, instead of settling for the rewards of the intellectual sphere (self-righteousness, competitive skill, popularity, etc.), I’m at least hungry for experience (now that I know what it is and that it’s there) and famished for realization (which I know is allied to bliss, which resides in the heart).
There’s another experiment bubbling up. See if you can draw bliss up from the heart while selecting a conceptual problem and holding it in your mind. Test out your hypothesis that bliss plus an idea brings on realization.
And that’s how life is for me. An endless series of inner experiments aimed at realization, appropriate to my interests and soul contract. That, in a nutshell, is how my mind and heart work and how my life unfolds.