Dwelling Out of Darkness

March 31, 2022

It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice. ~ Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

It’s one of those jumpy mornings when I don’t want to settle to any one thing.

I’m happy to lay the blame on something other than myself, like solar flares and CME. Or maybe the Schumann resonance looks like a Geiger counter over Chernobyl. If I dig a little, I might find astrological influences, too. Like a dedicated hypochondriac, I can keep toting up reasons for dis-ease.

When I ponder the years that I pushed myself to write morning pages before I dashed off to work, though, profound gratitude is my only sensation. It doesn’t matter if I can’t quite settle to anything. I can scribble about nothingness or everything-ness at my leisure today.

*****

Something unpleasant happened yesterday. As someone who likes to put wounds under a microscope and then keep picking at the scabs, I’m usually compelled to write the scene in detail and then dissect it the rest of the day. And maybe the next day, too.

Yesterday, I thought: why? Why on earth would I want to write down anything about this? Why would I want to help its energy cling to me, like a gooey gray fog that only the unreformed Ebeneezer Scrooge might enjoy?

*****

Today, the minor unpleasantness from yesterday is still at the edge of my awareness. One school of thought advocates mulling over the details. What does it mean? Where was I at fault? Where did I let emotion control me? How could I react better in a similar situation, next time?

Opposite that is the notion of simply letting it all go. What we dwell upon, even in the righteous cause of self-improvement, can insinuate itself into the fibers of our being. Do I really want that unpleasantness, the self-judgment that I behaved badly, to get its hooks into me?

*****

We, along with our world, appear to be transforming inexorably in ways both visible and invisible, at a pace veering wildly from glacial to warp 10. I view the shifts I’m experiencing as heralding a present and future that are lighter and brighter than my past. Although some might denigrate that as duality consciousness, I unrepentantly embrace feeling better over feeling worse.

My unprecedented hands-off response to an apparent opportunity for self-reflection is such a stark contrast to my usual reaction, I take note. There seemed to be a smooth flow of experience from noting the situation, observing it quite dispassionately for the duration, and leaving it at that. 

An undeniable sense of satisfaction settles in. Just think of all the brain cells I can save by not picking over a past that is dead and gone. This relaxation into Present / What Is gives me a clean plate upon which fresh nourishment may be ladled.

A feast awaits. There’s new territory to explore. The sensation of chains dropping away allows me to look upward and expand. I don’t need to dwell within old darkness anymore.