As I’m going through what I suspect to be the Old Self Die-Off, which Matt Kahn described so eloquently in his article (1), I’m struggling with a complete lack of motivation to do…well basically anything at all.
It’s a strange and not necessarily all that pleasant place to be in, and it’s full of controversy.
On the one hand, I have to force myself to get up in the morning and go about my daily business. I feel great resistance towards basically any chore or activity, even the ones that usually bring me joy.
On the other hand, if I clear my schedule, I become completely bored and annoyed with the fact that I don’t have anything to do, and resistance arises as well.
It’s the epitome of lack of motivation: I’m not motivated to do anything and at the same time, I’m not motivated to do nothing at all.
The same goes for my mental state. On some issues I’m gaining more clarity than ever before. For instance ‘The Grand Motif’ of my life, as Steve calls it (2), is becoming more clear to me than ever before. Yet at the same time, I can’t for the life of me remember what I had for lunch two hours ago, or what month it is.
If I have people over, I feel resistance and the need to be left alone. If I’m alone, I feel the need to have company. It’s a really weird ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ kind of place to be stuck in.
So what to do? Well, I guess I’ll take Matt Kahn’s advice and try not to fall into my ego’s default mode of thinking there’s something I did wrong to bring this about. I guess I just have to be present with whatever arises and remember the old Persian adage;
~ This too shall pass ~