Since we’re being encouraged to share our experiences, I’ll be brave and disclose a previously invisible thing I’ve been carrying.
My daughter’s been having dreams of frustration, of not having her needs met. Maybe at 22, it’s not so easy to tell ourselves to let go and trust, that in contemplation, we’ll find peace and guidance that leads to an inner knowing of a purpose beyond what presents in our daily dramas and disappointments.
Once we achieve so many years on the planet in one lifetime, the dings and scrapes we receive become an accepted part of it. If you ever bought a new car, or even a used one in good condition…the first scratches on the nice, shiny finish can be a little devastating. It seems that, in this reality, there’s no avoiding the bruises and hurts we sustain in the Earth experience.
We could take that even further and say that it’s those moments in our lives, when we’re challenged on however many levels at once, that the opportunity for growth and expansion is most available. We can’t usually appreciate that until we have at least some form of resolution, but there always is a nugget of gold in every experience.
Back to the bad dreams that colored every morning for both of us for days… One morning not long ago, the discomfort had grown so great that it prompted a rich but difficult two-hour long conversation. In this, it was revealed that my daughter was feeling as though her way of expressing was unacceptable to me.
We have such different ways of expressing ourselves, and this feels like more good training for playing nicely in the pool with others. My girl identifies with Kali the Hindu goddess when she’s angry. Mother Kali* provides liberation to her children by bringing the death of the ego as the illusory self-centered view of reality.
This translates into angry expression sometimes. It’s not at me, but it is in my presence. My kid has always been passionate, and I’ll admit that it’s also always been challenging for me to just hold space for her while she’s expressing. My understanding of when we get upset has been that it’s a lower vibration, and such a thing acts as a beacon of welcome for matching energies.
What actually is true is that as Humans, we’ve been gifted with the ability to feel emotion. If we tell ourselves that the feelings we have that aren’t all Love & Light are bad…well, we’ve all heard the phrase, “What we resist persists.” The key is to allow the feelings of anger and frustration and sadness when they come up ~ and to make it a disciplinary practice of Mastery to allow them and then move on to a better-feeling thought.
So it was that my daughter was feeling unacceptable to me. Every parent will understand that the moment I took in that revelation, my first impulse was to bring reconciliation. The words started pouring from my lips in a sincere prayer ~ That I be shown why angry people freak me out. Then it came to me, clear as crystal…
Deep sigh…and I didn’t even know I was carrying this.
My parents got divorced when I was 15, and the lead-up to that moment in time was pretty grim. At one point, and this visual has stayed with me all this time, even multiple decades later…my Mother and eldest brother were beating up on my Dad. They had him literally backed into a corner, and that’s when I stopped witnessing.
To this day, I can’t even watch a fist fight on T.V. without feeling completely repulsed. Anything that includes a yelling, angry person is something I just want to get away from. This is a vulnerable position, is it not? We need to be free of our wounding so that our field is clear of affinity sites that leave us open to psychic attack and control.
As I was running the visual of early family trauma through my head, tears started coming and I knew I was onto it. Once again, the words started flowing out into a prayer, which is one of our greatest tools, by the way.
My sincere plea was about being available and open to releasing any and all ties and memories to my (yes, I’ll say it) fear of angry people. That I never wish to put a cap on my daughter’s expression, that I recognize her way of expressing is right for her and that my discomfort with it is something I need to address for myself. I’m willing to let that go and be free of this self-imposed limitation. Make it so!
If my unconscious default is to run away from angry people, that makes me easily controlled, no?
It happened with a contractor years ago. He did a shitty job and I didn’t want to pay him everything he asked for. He was a big man and had no issue whatsoever in threatening me. I was feeling alone at the time in so many ways, and so I caved. That experience left an awful and long-lasting impression in my field, and it’s because I gave away my power. Frankly at that point, I didn’t even know I had power.
So, this interaction between me and my daughter has borne some very juicy fruit. I’ve been gifted with a heads-up about some unconscious behavior in order to shift and release it, and the Young One is free of the troubling dreams now and is sleeping soundly. I don’t doubt that she’s taken her share of notes on the whole experience as well.
There’s always a nugget for us as the powerful Co-Creators that we are.
And an afterword ~ I’ve since (actually just this morning on the eve of Independence Day) had a pretty intense clearing call with my brother. He was so available to help me let this memory go and strip it of any power…and he was a rock while I asked the difficult questions about motivation. It was just a very bad time for the whole family, and our parents clearly were truly angry with one another over the life they didn’t have.
In his highly triggered emotional state, my brother believed at the time that he was needed to stand between our parents to keep Dad from hitting Mom. The thing is that there was zero chance of that happening, and I called him on it. He agreed.
I forgave him. And I forgave my Mom. And I forgave my Dad. And the whole thing left me feeling raw, with a very wet face and unable to breathe through my nose. But wow! What a process. I’m grateful for it, and I’m sharing more because of some very lovely feedback about ways the sharing has helped others when viewing their own lives.