What is it that has me feel vaguely-apprehensive of the Reval and life after it?
I ask my mind to bring up from deep memory the incident or incidents that invite me to feel this way.
Two occasions come to mind. I think my wife was present for both. On both these occasions, I saw – and allowed her to see – my ego.
I’m not going to say much about it because it would just be ammunition for critics but the sight scared the wits out of both of us. We still talk about it.
The ego ran amok on the first occasion, for less than a second. It flared up with a really nasty, devilish face – and then disappeared again. WHAT on Earth was that?
On the second occasion, I had a lustful thought and suddenly everything got magnified until I became a monster – also for less than a second – and then it was gone. I was totally floored.
It was as if reality opened up for a moment. I was shown where my attitude leads to and how bad it could get if I gave it rein.
The ego, at its rawest, can be heartless. And it promises to leak through any opening we leave it if we consent to “come from it.”
Give it any rein – as we could very well do after the Reval – and it may run amok. Or at least I fear mine will.
Those two experiences serve as a warning to me not to go wild after the Reval. Not to give way to arrogance. Not to allow the ego free rein.
I say to myself, “I’ll see it if it happens.” Well, no. Not necessarily.
It may be invisible to me. If we look at the matter deeply and get honest, then I’d say that I personally like the feelings of arrogance, specialness, haughtiness. (1)
It feels good to swell one’s heart with pride and march up and down in front of the mirror, saying to myself, “What a good boy am I!” (That’s probably why children do it and adults laugh.)
And I don’t usually call myself on something I like. It doesn’t fall under my critical eye. I’m usually sympathetic to it, look upon it as a friend, and overlook it.
So I don’t agree that I’ll necessarily see it if it happens.
Those two experiences shape the way I respond to the idea of the Reval coming. I “be with” them until they lift.
When the Reval hits, I want to be able to carry on, business as usual, not altering my daily patterns … for a while anyways.
I want to just allow myself, at body level, to assimilate the shock of sudden wealth; then, at an intellectual level; then, experiential, until I realize and get my arms around all of what just happened that promises to change my life so suddenly and dramatically.
(1) I like the way they feel, as I also like other negative feelings. If they didn’t feel good, we wouldn’t like or act on them. (Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Because doing the wrong thing feels so good in the moment.)
I don’t however like the way people respond when I feel those ways and act on them: People respond by pulling away from me and, after a while, I find myself alone.
Seeing that outcome, through many trial-and-error experiments, results in “learning.” I learn as I grow up and amass experience to reject feelings like arrogance.