
Credit: Roscoe Lilly
I got a glimpse today of a deep vein of entitlement in me.
At the same time I got to observe the birth of an upset.
The vein of entitlement tracks back to a decision not to be trod upon (bullied) again. Behind that is a conclusion that I needed to defend myself. Behind that are numerous instances of being bullied as a child by neighborhood toughs.
I’m not going to be trodden on any more, I said to myself.
Can you imagine what that that sense of protectiveness could grow into if you added a few billion dollars to it?
Oh, my Gawd.
I saw into this issue by taking a different tack than I usually do. Usually I’d track the current upset back to the original triggering incident.
But in this case I magnified the emotions I was feeling. I turned into the Hulk. I immediately saw a young man trying to protect himself from bullying.
This is a good example of an issue that no longer serves me and has to be left go of. It’s like an anchor holding me to densifying behavior that stops my flow.
I wish I could say that I have no more of these issues to surface. But I fear I have many, as do others. After a while of processing them one at a time, I’m going to be looking for ways to streamline, gang them, and generalize. I’ll imagine them breaking off like an ice shelf and melting away.
Eliza Ayres said this about the trauma many of us agreed to experience:
“Those who were members of the families into which you embodied … volunteered and agreed to play out their particular roles, as those who would serve as triggers to reawaken you to your gifts, as well as to trigger ancient memories of trauma, that which had been experienced by you in other lifetimes (actually parallel lifetimes) as well as those experienced by the human collective.
“Most of you choose to experience victim consciousness as much of the life stories of humanity for the past several millenniums have been ones of pain, suffering and limitation. Through your own experiences of abuse and neglect, you re-experienced the traumas of the human collective, although for the most part your present sufferings were but an echo of traumas suffered by your own being in past lives.” (1)
In response to that trauma, we made decisions around protecting ourselves and warding off the abusers. And now we have to stand down and let our entire defensive posture go.
It feels counter-intuitive. Living alongside my protective self, all a creation of my mind, I feel safe and relaxed. I resist letting it go.
But when it suddenly arises, as with line rage, (2) it proves counterproductive in the extreme. And I only end up needing to apologize later.
Here is the history of an upset: Under my irritation lay entitlement. Under that, an old issue. Under that, a history of trauma.
Here is the birth of the upset: Trauma leads to an issue, which leads to entitlement, which leads to an outburst. The result is upset all around.
Footnotes
(1) “The Light Collective: On Expansion,” channeled by Eliza Ayres (aka Tazjima Amariah Kumara), November 29, 2013 at bluedragonjournal.com.
(2) A response to line jumping, fare fraud, excessive wait times, and other imaginations.